What no one ever told you about people who are single | Bella DePaulo | TEDxUHasselt

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  • Published: 11 May 2017
  • Movies, novels, love songs, and even scientific research all seem to tell us the same stories: Everyone wants to find that special someone. Once you get married, you will live happily ever after and you will never be lonely again. However, more people than ever before are living single - often by choice. A close look at the best scientific studies shows that people who get married do not end up happier or psychologically healthier than they were when they were single. The stories we have so often been told are distracting us from other stories about single people that we have never been told. The untold stories help us understand why so many people choose single life and thrive there, often finding meaning, fulfillment, autonomy, mastery, rich and varied personal relationships, and sweet solitude in their single lives.
    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

Comments • 2 133

  • Xyz Abc
    Xyz Abc  2 saatler önce

    What a dull, boring audience! Bella De Paulo is a well known social psychologist and I admire her. This was a phenomenal ted talk in front of an unappreciative, disappointing audience. I guess they couldn’t handle the truth or chose not to, blinded by their unfounded faith in the fairy tale happily ever after ending. Lol. I’m a single and in my 30s and I deeply cherish and value my solitude. It helps me learn, grow, progress and work towards my goals. I thoroughly enjoy being single, independent, free, unbound to do as I please, travel where I want, eat out where I want, save, splurge on myself and my family. I’ve been in long term relationships but not since the last one ended about three years ago. I chose to stay single from then on and have loved every second of it.

    • Tani Lee
      Tani Lee  15 saatler önce

      I have always wanted to be a spinster ever since i was a little girl. And i made my dreams come true.

      • OneRingToRuleThemAll
        OneRingToRuleThemAll  17 saatler önce

        Everybody is different, what makes one person happy, would make another unhappy. Some people are ment to have family, some are happier to be single...

        • Michelle Coons
          Michelle Coons  18 saatler önce

          Got married39 years ago divorced38 years ago. Only stayed together 3 months but our state required 1 year separation before no fault divorce.

          • Sunny Thymes
            Sunny Thymes  Gün önce

            Turns out I prefer to be with cats rather than humans...🙀🔊 Kats have better personalities and moral standards😾🔊 Yeah for us cats. 👍✌

            • Sunny Thymes
              Sunny Thymes  Gün önce

              I'm not ever getting married again! . After my divorce and a few really, really BAD relationships, WHY would I NOT want to STAY SINGLE!?! I have children and I'm in my 60's! Again, WHY would I prefer to be anything BUT single? I love my freedom, 😊I love being single👍🙀🔊👌✌

              • mike nel
                mike nel  Gün önce

                My girl friend did feel it As I did,so,I'm single, And happy to be Single,because the only Best friend is ,thats,right,me,,🤓🐌✏🖌📸🔭💡🌞♥️🌈🚴🏼‍♀️🦉🐜🚲🤓

                • wilma gray
                  wilma gray  Gün önce

                  I loved this, audience were bit stale? Poor woman was funny and honest. She deserved more warmth.

                  • HeartXXBlack
                    HeartXXBlack  2 gün önce

                    10:43 look at those "happy people" who are definately single and came to this show to convince themselves that they really are happy....but wait... why am I watching this?

                    • Gummibear173
                      Gummibear173  2 gün önce

                      My favourite thing about being in love is who I can be around the one I love. The characteristics they bring out in me. If they hold me back I can let them go and keep on dancing down my path. That is freedom

                      • Reeses OTG
                        Reeses OTG  4 gün önce

                        Im just leaving a relationship and in ready to just focus on me im 27 and have nothing to my name but my car... Just got a second job which will bring me out of debt in months and then my New adventure begins

                        • SGT Zulu
                          SGT Zulu  4 gün önce

                          I think that the entire audience is married so they were all annoyed or jealous bc she is so happy.

                          • Shog Imas
                            Shog Imas  4 gün önce

                            @13:21 : She states: "The people who have friends and family members are the less lonely". If her parents and her friends' parents haven't been married to have kids, she would not have already had those grown up people to be able to talk to, when she felt alone. And at this very time while I am writing this comment our neighbors (married with one kid) are arguing with a loud voice, at the door of their apartment. It's heartbreaking to witness such a married life. Life is difficult, married or single, everyone has his/her fate. we have to be smart and LUCKY, and take it like it comes, live it, trying to be preventive, and avoiding complicated situations.

                            • 08wolfeyes
                              08wolfeyes  5 gün önce

                              Seems to me she's trying to promote being single because she is. Being with someone, the right person is also a very wonderful thing. Sharing your life and experiences together, being there through tough times for one another and so many happy moments.

                              • Will Crago
                                Will Crago  6 gün önce

                                Watch this often. Pause. Ask myself “what do you want in a partner?”.... the answer always describes someone who is unavailable and insular and occasionally wants to get together for a dinner, movie, or ... recreations.

                                • John Vartanian
                                  John Vartanian  6 gün önce

                                  you also need cats and a trailer park.....he he he he

                                  • more adventures
                                    more adventures  6 gün önce

                                    Im 38 and single . Help me God

                                    • Vít Klička
                                      Vít Klička  6 gün önce

                                      I hate her sugar-sweet voice

                                      • moreiramarina
                                        moreiramarina  7 gün önce

                                        The only problem is that she does not believe what she is saying :(

                                        • kurtsupreme
                                          kurtsupreme  8 gün önce

                                          Boy, she was treading on American values..............did you see the faces of that audience? Everything that she said was true; however, that audience, on the whole, was not having it! Isn't it interesting how we hold tightly to our values even in the face of contradictory evidence? It's fascinating!

                                          • T.B.A.R.R.O.
                                            T.B.A.R.R.O.  8 gün önce

                                            I totally enjoy being single. I would never get married again. I was for a decade. That was great the first half. Okay for 3 more years. The not good at all for the last couple. Plus the bs at the end dragged on for over a decade bc a kid was involved. My daughter is awesome! Her kids are too. If payment (for lack of a better word) for have her in my life is the years me and her mother were unhappy with each other... More than worth the price. I assume my ex would say the same but perhaps not as consistently as I do. I've dated, even got engaged since we split. The sec the ring went on we both knew it was a mistake. 3 months later we broke it off. So... I wish my marriage had worked out. Staying at the second stage, okay, would have been nice. But I'll never be that person again. And since I've raised my 'dating standards' I expect I'll rarely if ever date again. And I am perfectly happy with that.

                                            • Klaus Geltl
                                              Klaus Geltl  9 gün önce

                                              I don't understand why she laughs and laughs as soon as she starts talking. What was the joke?

                                              • Love Heals
                                                Love Heals  9 gün önce

                                                10:41 Lmao!!!

                                                • Denise Osborne
                                                  Denise Osborne  9 gün önce

                                                  I've never been more lonely than when married.

                                                  • Mrfixit
                                                    Mrfixit  9 gün önce

                                                    This risks for young men getting married are well known, and young women complain about how difficult it is to get men to commit. The MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) movement has grown in leaps and bounds proving that men are embracing single life and not buying into the fairy-tale.

                                                    • RubyTV
                                                      RubyTV  9 gün önce

                                                      but the real question is... are you getting any?!!

                                                      • SuperbChannel
                                                        SuperbChannel  10 gün önce

                                                        When you go to Africa, and you see people who live on less than $2 a day, and are genuinely happy, you will probably understand why single people are often happy too. Being happy living on peanuts does not mean you cannot be much happier living in luxury. We must understand that humans have a huge capacity to adapt to almost any usual/unusual situation. Singleness is NOT normal. I cannot state that clear enough. Singleness shrinks a person, not expand them. Unless there are contravening circumstances, no one should be single. Don't buy the globalist hype. Humans are not meant to be single.

                                                        • Lady Alexandra
                                                          Lady Alexandra  11 gün önce

                                                          How about children? Humanity will die out, if everybody is single.

                                                          • ETube37
                                                            ETube37  11 gün önce

                                                            O/u 7 cats

                                                            • BlueEyes Brittany
                                                              BlueEyes Brittany  12 gün önce

                                                              Marriage is no longer the place of safety and happiness it is meant to be or may have been .... it is the opposite today in very many cases .. the risk is too high to take a chance

                                                              • Anyi Digger
                                                                Anyi Digger  13 gün önce

                                                                Wow... that's why those in wants out while those out wants in.

                                                                • Blue Bird
                                                                  Blue Bird  16 gün önce

                                                                  I've been single my whole life. Decided to be happy with it...because no one is coming to save me.

                                                                  • Ivy C
                                                                    Ivy C  16 gün önce

                                                                    i really needed this video. as an aromantic asexual, i sometimes get scared that i'm gonna end up being miserable because i can't feel romantic love. good to know my fears are generally unfounded.

                                                                    • Eliza Eri
                                                                      Eliza Eri  16 gün önce

                                                                      Some of the male audiences looked unconvinced and way too serious...

                                                                      • The Egg
                                                                        The Egg  17 gün önce

                                                                        A lot of grim faces in that crowd.

                                                                        • Delia Guerra
                                                                          Delia Guerra  17 gün önce

                                                                          Well said!!👌👍

                                                                          • Ary Trinidad
                                                                            Ary Trinidad  17 gün önce

                                                                            Dull. Its not marriage that makes you happy, its you. Marruage can be very fulfilling and imcrease happiness with right person. Thats the answer to equation. Please tell me we didnt spend our tax dollars on this.

                                                                            • CJ Saxon
                                                                              CJ Saxon  18 gün önce

                                                                              Marriage is an antiquated idea, forcing codependency in a relationship, no one's responsible for your happiness/ wholeness but you!

                                                                              • Amanda Chng
                                                                                Amanda Chng  19 gün önce

                                                                                we need more videos like this. in singapore, the country gives more benefits towards married couples instead of singles. this is sad as i have seen plenty of people jump into marriages far too early to regret it - simply to reap the benefits of being married, only to regret it later. singlehood should not be equated to loneliness. plenty of married people feel lonely too -e.g. leading to men's mid life crisis drama. people stay in abusive relationships fearing judgement. life is short, and we should live it the way we would like to live it. being single has really given me the luxury of using the precious time i have in this life on things that i really care about - it has freed me from unnecessary stress and worry, and given me solid beauty sleep. i still believe in love, and i love romance, but till it comes, i won't be rushing in to anything for the sake of fitting into societal norms. thank you TEDx Talks for posting this video. it was inspiring - knowing that there is another person embracing singlehood. and to all the single people out there - you are not alone :)

                                                                                • Evelyn Nieto
                                                                                  Evelyn Nieto  19 gün önce

                                                                                  Not true, many single people die alone, and no one noticed

                                                                                  • Evelyn Nieto
                                                                                    Evelyn Nieto  19 gün önce

                                                                                    Not a fairy tale. Married people LIVE LONGER. Horrible to go through life alone. Yes, fun, but a tragedy happens, you have no one to fall back on. Single for 30 years, was fun in 30s 40s only.

                                                                                    • joltinjack
                                                                                      joltinjack  20 gün önce

                                                                                      Age 60 - single all the way. I did have many relationships in my 20's & 30's. Been too stubborn and independent since I was a kid. I do not regret never marrying, and I've had plenty of chances - even now. Just ain't for me.

                                                                                      • Jo Brill
                                                                                        Jo Brill  21 gün önce

                                                                                        What a beat down...the worst TED Talk ever and the audience can't wait for the torture to end. Annoying

                                                                                        • Juanita Dudley
                                                                                          Juanita Dudley  21 gün önce

                                                                                          I'm perfectly content to be single. I think marriage is very important and the way to go for most. I didn't need for her to tell me some single people are quite content. I thought she would give us insight as to how personality affects of you marry or something like that. I was looking for depth, not just single people can be happy.

                                                                                          • bubble butt
                                                                                            bubble butt  23 gün önce

                                                                                            Staying single is the bet option for men, women are toxic and provide nothing in a relationship anyways.

                                                                                            • Helene Piffard
                                                                                              Helene Piffard  23 gün önce

                                                                                              WHY NOT, HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS! U HAVE UR HOME, UR LIFE & ILL HAVE MINE...& WE'LL MEET SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE!! 🦇🐾🦇🐾🦇 ❤ 🦇🐾🦇🐾🦇

                                                                                              • Sly Dood
                                                                                                Sly Dood  24 gün önce

                                                                                                There's a whole host of reasons why people are single and more often than not it's not through choice.

                                                                                                • LISA Martin
                                                                                                  LISA Martin  24 gün önce

                                                                                                  Love this!

                                                                                                  • Hahahaha Hohohoho
                                                                                                    Hahahaha Hohohoho  24 gün önce

                                                                                                    shes talking like shes drunk, high and have autism

                                                                                                    • Kyess Geun
                                                                                                      Kyess Geun  26 gün önce

                                                                                                      I am single because my one and only love said on the phone "we are not in a relationship anymore" and OMG after almost 16 years relationship. I called him back sent him emails asking him to talk BECAUSE I wanted to know the reason WHY and his answer was that we had nothing to talk about and he even said please let me continue with my life and you can continue with yours. So from that painful and terrible moment of my life had happened almost 10 years now and OF COURSE I am STILL SINGLE and heartless I continued my life however with the deep hole in my broken heart I haven't been able to close the circle and to forget about him. I am happy living my life as a workaholic one because that's my way to live but I Wish I could have the chance to talk to him and hear from his lips face to face that we are not in a relationship anymore

                                                                                                      • Shiroi Oni
                                                                                                        Shiroi Oni  27 gün önce

                                                                                                        Typical incel talking about how they choose to be alone LOL

                                                                                                        • Lucinda Irish
                                                                                                          Lucinda Irish  27 gün önce

                                                                                                          im 57 never married, I am right behind you, I am not sure about living with someone else... I want my own room.

                                                                                                          • paul8kangas
                                                                                                            paul8kangas  28 gün önce

                                                                                                            Hector Santiago in PR. The solution in PR is for the People to build 4-plex homes with 100 solar panels. Require the Utilities to pay solar homes $0.39 kWh for 20 years to build a solar economy. Check out the work being done by Hector Santiago in PR who put 500 solar panels on his home & farm, where he employees 33 people & has a school for their children. His was one of the few business people who survived. the Maria Hurricane. His business was up & running the next week. Paul Kangas for President 2020 TRclips: paul8kangas Read: "Unstoppable", by Ralph Nader to see what Unity of Left & Right looks like.

                                                                                                            • Kalas Atwater
                                                                                                              Kalas Atwater  28 gün önce

                                                                                                              I like my singleness, just would like to live it in a country were is more acceptable, here too many questions why I'm still single.

                                                                                                              • Nabron Drummer
                                                                                                                Nabron Drummer  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                Why does she look like Tom Hanks 🤣🤣🤣

                                                                                                                • J130 G810
                                                                                                                  J130 G810  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                  I'm 47 single , no mortgage , no credit card debts , only need to work part time ...if I was married I'd still be in full time work , buying and fitting a new kitchen or bathroom every 12 months and still in my work clothes most of the weekend doing jobs after a week of doing work ....

                                                                                                                  • J130 G810
                                                                                                                    J130 G810  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                    Behind every miserable woman ...is a man who hasn't got a clue what he did wrong

                                                                                                                    • J130 G810
                                                                                                                      J130 G810  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                      My Grandfather had some very wise words "the more expensive the wedding , the shorter the marriage"

                                                                                                                      • J Rich
                                                                                                                        J Rich  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                        The Bible (Word of God) has been telling us all along. Read 1Corrinthians7. Thinking strongly about your Life purpose and Focus before you marry. Everything changes

                                                                                                                        • Goku Godly
                                                                                                                          Goku Godly  20 gün önce

                                                                                                                          Wtf

                                                                                                                          • S. D. H.
                                                                                                                            S. D. H.  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                            I was in various unmarried relationships until my 40's & then finally wised up & went MGTOW. Much happier now.

                                                                                                                            • Jessica Keast
                                                                                                                              Jessica Keast  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                              I find couples can be quite boring

                                                                                                                              • Mona Moore
                                                                                                                                Mona Moore  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                When I was a little kid I was thinking I will be single for ever but when I hits 18 I had emotional big bang I was searching for love like crazy I just want it to get married early... now i'm close to hit 28 ....I realized how much I was foolish... my biggest dream will never become true

                                                                                                                                • John Gibson
                                                                                                                                  John Gibson  23 gün önce

                                                                                                                                  Your talking like your 55 years old and given up. You have plenty of time. You are still at peak childbearing age. Go to church or join some interest group of likeminded people. If your mildly autistic then join an aspie group with your interests and personality type. You are still young. Get out there and keep looking!

                                                                                                                                  • Wendy Alien
                                                                                                                                    Wendy Alien  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                    life isnt about being happy its about securing co-habitation and survival

                                                                                                                                    • Hunks Appreciated
                                                                                                                                      Hunks Appreciated  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                      I love the single life 💕

                                                                                                                                      • Music Oldies
                                                                                                                                        Music Oldies  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                        Sorry, but this woman is out of touch with the times. If this speech were made in the 1980s, it would have been an eye opening revelation and an interesting talk; but since the turn of the century it is no longer a stigma to be single. More and more people are living their lives as single people, and that percentage is growing year after year. Society is slowly being turned off to marriage, and that trend pretty much started more than a decade ago, and is gaining momentum with each passing year. This woman making this speech as recent as 2017 is like me getting up on stage today and bragging about how impractical it is for unemployed people to go job hunting by looking thru their local newspapers and mailing/faxing out resumes to the companies that are hiring, as there is now this medium called emailing - which I then excitedly explain the function of. How would the audience react to me? I would get all kinds of strange looks from them. Why? Because people have been regularly using emailing to send out their resumes for the last 2 decades. It's old hat now. As one of my ex-girlfriends used to say to me (and everyone else who, at times, wasn't "hip" or "with it" when discussing particular facets of life): GET WITH THE DAMNED PROGRAM! 😁😁😁

                                                                                                                                        • Carrie
                                                                                                                                          Carrie  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                          I'm single because i don't trust people and i don't like them . I'm my own best friend. I can always count on me.

                                                                                                                                          • Carrie
                                                                                                                                            Carrie  19 gün önce

                                                                                                                                            @Goku Godly I'll eventually adopt a dog. Always had cats before, this time will try a dog.

                                                                                                                                            • Goku Godly
                                                                                                                                              Goku Godly  20 gün önce

                                                                                                                                              Should you get pets and cats

                                                                                                                                              • deangelo taylor
                                                                                                                                                deangelo taylor  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                                i actually have to agree with this chick. have been single for over 40 years and refuse to have it any other way.

                                                                                                                                                • AK
                                                                                                                                                  AK  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                                  I see women online saying “I want the fairy tale story” in their 40s and 50s!

                                                                                                                                                  • Vi An MUSIC
                                                                                                                                                    Vi An MUSIC  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                                    I love that she brought up the legal side, it is TRUE TRUE TRUE, society, politics, taxes, housing and other social benefits, all cater exclusively to couples and especially those with children. The single person is marginalized out right.

                                                                                                                                                    • Vi An MUSIC
                                                                                                                                                      Vi An MUSIC  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                                      The kind of romantic lover that I am The more i learn about him and appreciate him, the more sides of himself he shows, the more intelligence and humor he exudes, I simply melt and can’t seem to get enough. Even though he’s broken up with me, memories of his explanations and accounts of things, still resonate profoundly in me, I still feel the same adoration, admiration and completely feeling that I am learning so much from him still. Like scientists looking out into space to learn more about how all of this stuff came into being. His ways motivate me to discover more of my own personal insights and to develop so many aspects of my life, to meet him there, to be unique there, next to him, not exactly like him. It is like a coloring book - life and love, we are coloring it together, if it’s within the lines or a little outside of the lines, we have all of that and we can even draw new lines and color in unexpected ways too. That kind of appreciation and love, is so rarely talked about. The love and romance that isn’t destructive nor one sided. The love and romance which continues to be an open book with pages we write together, not just read and loath about. There is grave fear of this kind of loving romantic person. So that is why I’ve been single such a long time and every relationship ends the same way, they feel they’ve learned enough or that it’s become way too much. I’m an improviser on many musical instruments, coming up with original music in the moment, the present moment holds so many gifts and possibilities, so many accidental miracles for me, so I constantly dive in, willingly, whole and complete, all of me or non of me approach to music. An extension of who I am deep inside, pouring out onto the instrument and painting Oon the canvas that is life. I can never stop myself, I don’t love it too much, I simply love it so much !!! That is the kind of romantic lover that I am. Take it or leave it. I’ll remain happy my whole life alone with my instruments, my heath, youthful vitality and continuously curious nature, stumbling upon happy and miraculous accidents along the way, what more can I ask for. I can’t ask. I am simply here, for life.

                                                                                                                                                      • Mrs Vanniety
                                                                                                                                                        Mrs Vanniety  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                                        Oh and btw , about statistics ? 58% people are married. Huge percent of them feels unsatisfied and only like 2-3 is successfully married. But guess what: - Are successful people (in general) the majority? Nope - Is boredom and quitting and ease winning 80-90% of the times? Yes Now combine those two clues and bring them in the relationship thing. relationships are the most risky thing. You fight and you don’t know if you win no matter how much you tried. Hard stuff. All magic comes with a price tho :)

                                                                                                                                                        • Mrs Vanniety
                                                                                                                                                          Mrs Vanniety  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                                          1. People who want to experience love and romance outside friendship and family aren’t just some bunches of cliches. We are humans and that makes us part of the nature and its couple-ing. Now, how easily that will happen or how deep it will be, depends on the related people individually. 2. Also over decades people didn’t have the freedom to choose or to learn themselves, so they can put someone else in their lives. Now that we do it’s more challenging to have someone. Still some people for many reasons want to “just be with someone” for safety, for lack of friends or parenting care they had. And these situations are a lot. As a legit result, people get married and after a while they want to divorce or to break up etc. why ? Because they didn’t work up on themselves as a a first step, not to mention financial independence and financial problems that appear with marriage.The first step was to find a punch bag. So they actually do things the opposite way than the legit one: First, we explore ourselves and our true needs, we set some goals, and then we let someone in our lives. 3. Having someone that can actually help you progress in your life and you see it with your eyes and facts isn’t to be blamed as well. Besides, especially if you are a hardcore person, having a pessimistic and self-critics voice in your head 24/7 can’t be helpful enough. 4. Your parents can’t be with you your whole life. And at some point after some age they can’t actually support you. They are humans as well. Same applies for friends. They have their own lives and probably will want a family, you can’t give them more time that they can’t offer to you. You will end up depressed. 5. And for all those single people they are mentioned in the video: well, ofc. Relationships are so hard to achieve cause a person individually is a chaos himself. BUT when they are actually successful, oh mama this is so magical. So you have to have the balls to dare to be in a relationship and ofc you have to be lucky (cause yes it’s a matter of luck too). Single is simple compromising and manipulating your mind or a result of bad luck .” Whatever I haven’t ever had I don’t miss or want cause I learnt this way”. 6. Just making some notes here, nothing more. I just don’t like one-sided stuff. -sorry for bad English.

                                                                                                                                                          • Vashistha Pradhan
                                                                                                                                                            Vashistha Pradhan  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                                            Everyone in the audience is married it seems.

                                                                                                                                                            • Valerie
                                                                                                                                                              Valerie  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                                              I genuinely enjoyed this TED Talk. I’ll be divorced soon and I cannot wait to be single. It’s time to put me first again because I sure haven’t in the past. Also, I do not believe in marriage anymore and unfortunately will not marry again. It’s truly not what it’s made out to be. Thanks for reminding me and sharing this video!

                                                                                                                                                              • Dawn Wade
                                                                                                                                                                Dawn Wade  Aylar önce

                                                                                                                                                                Being single is not the issue. People thinking you’re miserable is the issue. How hard is it to get people to understand that I actually enjoy being single. That’s not to say I will never get married. It just means I’m waiting for the person, that I can truly say, I’m happier with them than I am when I’m alone. I haven’t met that person yet.