Communication is ruining your relationships | Beth Luwandi Lofstrom | TEDxGustavusAdolphusCollege

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  • Published: 05 April 2017
  • STOP TALKING; How your communication is actually ruining your relationships (and what to do about it)
    Luwandi Lofstrom, a 1992 graduate of Gustavus, is a private practicing psychotherapist from Cincinnati, Ohio, who works with couples and individuals to navigate the most painful of human experiences. She has been discussed at PsychCentral, is a regular presenter on love, loss and relationship in the Cincinnati area, and has a podcast, Midlife Love Bytes.
    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

Comments • 75

  • Phyllis Williams
    Phyllis Williams  2 أيام قبل

    I don't t! But when you encounter a partner or relation who is unwilling to care about you, it's time to curtail the relationship.

    • Phyllis Williams
      Phyllis Williams  16 ساعات قبل

      @Dumfries Spearhead thanks! I will when i get a chance

      • Dumfries Spearhead
        Dumfries Spearhead  16 ساعات قبل

        @Phyllis Williams You can edit your first post and repost it.

        • Phyllis Williams
          Phyllis Williams  2 أيام قبل

          I wonder what happened to the whole first paragraph I wrote. Sorry... this just won't make sense!

          • A Ye
            A Ye  أشهر قبل

            her way of talking is very confusing to me and kind of irritating at the end.

            • zenigel
              zenigel  أشهر قبل

              Maaan she is really slippery. She would have me wrapped around her finger and I wouldn't know what was happening.

              • Karriem Williams
                Karriem Williams  أشهر قبل

                Communication is critically dependent on receiving and understanding feedback as you progress through your desired process.

                • Lisette Callis
                  Lisette Callis  أشهر قبل

                  she's 10/11? Im 11 of 11!

                  • Laura
                    Laura  أشهر قبل

                    I communicated with my partner with this way for last two years.

                    • Bobo LRO
                      Bobo LRO  أشهر قبل

                      Well, what is explained here will resonate very much in the hear of men since it's called direct communication, which is how men talk most of the time. Women use indirect communication much more (e.g. "I am tired of you not helping" meaning something like "I had a bad day and I would like a big hug from you right now"), which most men don't have a decryption algorithm for. Plus, each woman uses a different algorithm, making it very difficult for men to understand all women. Both men and women need to learn how the other gender communicates to make social and intimate interactions much more meaningful. But direct communication is surely more efficient as it is straight to the point and avoid any misinterpretation :-)

                      • Dumfries Spearhead
                        Dumfries Spearhead  16 ساعات قبل

                        You don't have to understand ALL women, because that's impossible. Believe it or not all women AREN'T the same. But just the ones that are close to you. There are different varieties of this, but Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages" is a good place to start.

                        • Paul & Rachelle
                          Paul & Rachelle  أشهر قبل

                          Non Dominating Communication: 1. I feel... 2. I want... (Not asking something from you) 3. What do you think? / Can you help? You can take a no; you're already taking it! This style of communication resists the urge to control the other person. Be aware when you want to control the response from the other person, which actually means you want to control them!

                          • Rosenleid
                            Rosenleid  أشهر قبل

                            Search for non-violent communication from Marshall D Rosenberg.

                            • Flor Lopez
                              Flor Lopez  أشهر قبل

                              She lost me...

                              • Patrice Marie
                                Patrice Marie  أشهر قبل

                                ...... MS. LOFSTROM! ..... YOU REALLY MAKE A LOT OF SMART ..... SOUND SENSE .....?? BUT????? ..... ALL RELATIONSHIPS ..... AND PERSONS IN THEM ..... PARTICULARLY OVER TIME .... IN LONG MARRIAGES ETC????? ...... ARE FULL OF "EMOTIONAL IMBALANCES" ..... IF YOU WILL??? HEAVY ANALYSIS OF CONFLICT .... "NEEDS" ...."WANTS" MOST DEFINITELY ARE MORE PERCEIVED AS NAGGING ..... AND INSULTING .... MORE TIMES THAN NOT???? ...... LIGHTER COMMUNICATION? ........ MORE "SURFACE" COMMUNICATION (WHAT ARE WE HAVING FOR DINNER???..... ROAD TRIPS? .... BASEBALL CAMP CHOICES????? ..... ETC ..... WITH OUT A LOT OF "ANALYSIS" ..... ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP .... KEPT MORE MARRIAGES .... LONG ....... RELATIONSHIPS? ALIVE ..... OVER MANY YEARS .... ONLY BECAUSE THE HEAVIER INTENSE COMMUNICATION ..... WOULD MORE TIMES THAN NOT HAVE DEFEATED THE RELATIONSHIP .... IF NOT FOR THE SIMPLE FACT ...... THAT THE COUPLES WERE TIRED OF HAVING TO ACCOMMODATE MOSTLY .... THE "NEEDS" ...."WANTS" OF EACH OTHER .... AND MAYBE WERE REALLY TOO TIRED OF EACH OTHER ..... PERIOD! .......TIC..... I STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE, BUT ...... LONG .... LONG RELATIONSHIPS ARE REALLY ONLY ABOUT ANSWERING THE RIDDLE:CAN TWO "DIVORCED" PEOPLE SHARE AN APT ... HOME .....WITHOUT DRIVING EACH OTHER CRAZY??? ........ NOT THIS SIDE OF HEAVEN????? HUMAN ..... NATURE BEING WHAT IT IS?????? TIC ...... WITHIN REASON .... LIGHTEN UP .... AND HAVE SOME FUN!

                                • Alifa Alvita
                                  Alifa Alvita  أشهر قبل

                                  OMG 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE! I've read this somewhere and immediately catch it when she said "i feel an emotion, i want/i dont want something (withouth a you), followed by the partner's perspective" and this is amaziingg

                                  • Tuna Fish
                                    Tuna Fish  أشهر قبل

                                    Lol this is brilliant I needed this thx

                                    • pradeep kadubandi
                                      pradeep kadubandi  2 أشهر قبل

                                      A few years ago, I read a book called 'Non Violent Communication' by Dr.Rosenberg and this talk is inline with principles/framework in that book. However this talk only covers half of the story - how to express yourself such that you receive empathy from others. The other half (and from my personal experience the more difficult part) is how to understand/receive others with empathy (even when they expressed themselves poorly). Of course, I enjoyed this talk (as I already knew and have been practicing the ideas and felt connected with the speaker) and I agree with a few other commenters that the right title could have been 'how to talk better' ... however, it's this title that got me curious :-) and made me watch the talk (to see if I get any news ideas towards communication)!!!

                                      • Truthbetold Gizmo 718
                                        Truthbetold Gizmo 718  2 أشهر قبل

                                        How can a woman like this be going through her third divorce?! Something is definitely wrong with her partners or, there's something hidden about her we will never know that her exes know, or don't. But I just can't imagine why she can't find a good partner to share these believes with yet. Maybe she just likes/attracted to deadbeats?

                                        • Jayelleku
                                          Jayelleku  28 أيام قبل

                                          I think what she was trying to say was that she had to learn all of this THROUGH those failed relationships that forced her to rethink the way she communicates

                                          • requinremembers
                                            requinremembers  2 أشهر قبل

                                            maybe her divorces happened before she figured out this way of communicating? Dunno but that's my guess.

                                            • Iain Caldwell
                                              Iain Caldwell  2 أشهر قبل

                                              Can't see how to apply this in situations where you are in direct conflict with someone. For example, suppose your spouse undermines you in front of your kids or friends. How do you use this technique without addressing the specific behaviour that triggered your feelings. If you don't refer to the triggering event your spouse (who may not have realised what they've done wrong) won't know what you're talking about. Can anyone help me out here. It's a common theme in my life!

                                              • requinremembers
                                                requinremembers  2 أشهر قبل

                                                Hm. Just watched it, like it, haven't had a chance to practice yet. But your question is interesting. You'd use the "I feel, I want, 'what do you think/can you help?" pattern. So ask yourself, what do you feel when your spouse undermines you? Embarassed? Confused? Emaculated? Well that last one might be a bit much to toss out at first ha. But think of how you feel. Angry, maybe? Think about that and start there..

                                                • Zahid H Khan
                                                  Zahid H Khan  2 أشهر قبل

                                                  great.

                                                  • Ken
                                                    Ken  2 أشهر قبل

                                                    The problem is communication...to much communication.

                                                    • Jonathan Hoffman
                                                      Jonathan Hoffman  3 أشهر قبل

                                                      Empathy, Respect, Connection 1. I feel... 2. I want... 3. Can you help?

                                                      • Lisa C
                                                        Lisa C  3 أشهر قبل

                                                        "Get more love!" spoken like someone beautiful who men want to love. Any advice for the rest of us? Lol.

                                                        • Kenneth Petty
                                                          Kenneth Petty  3 أشهر قبل

                                                          Agree with previous comments. Poor choice of title for a super excellent talk with a diamond of wisdom. Succinct, pithy, powerful, practical, and wonderful. Excellent work!!! Thanks for sharing with the world!

                                                          • E5PY
                                                            E5PY  3 أشهر قبل

                                                            Ironic title

                                                            • B Michael Fenley
                                                              B Michael Fenley  3 أشهر قبل

                                                              Communication is ruining your relationships. .... well okay dernit. We’ll quit communicating. The irony and credibility.

                                                              • Aleks Kinclara
                                                                Aleks Kinclara  3 أشهر قبل

                                                                Love this. So clean and simple. The pattern of communication she is promoting seems just like what we normally do when we don’t feel a strong need to control the outcome. “I feel hungry. I want to get a pizza. How about you?” (Then observe.) It gives the other person space to weigh in. For me, the challenge is to be aware when I want to control the outcome - and then realize I cannot really do that - so consciously avoid the domination pattern. Practicing this in many contexts not only makes me a better friend or partner, it also (through observation) leads to a better selection of friends, partners, and even service providers.

                                                                • frank onolfi
                                                                  frank onolfi  2 أيام قبل

                                                                  @Phyllis Williams thanks for your comments. I tend to be a person of action and less adept at communication. Relationships are give and take, unfortunately some take more than give..

                                                                  • Phyllis Williams
                                                                    Phyllis Williams  2 أيام قبل

                                                                    @frank onolfi Funny you say "especially wives". It probably depends on your personality and the dynamics you developed growing up. I have been married 2 times to men who have walked all over me and used and abused me for their own gain because I was so willing to please.

                                                                    • frank onolfi
                                                                      frank onolfi  7 أيام قبل

                                                                      Too many people especially wives are not flexible and only want it their way.

                                                                      • Paul & Rachelle
                                                                        Paul & Rachelle  أشهر قبل

                                                                        Well said!

                                                                        • GeePez
                                                                          GeePez  3 أشهر قبل

                                                                          Wood, J. T. (2016). Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters. Cengage Learning, Boston, MA. (really good book about communication)

                                                                          • Robert H
                                                                            Robert H  3 أشهر قبل

                                                                            That was fantastic. Valuable info.

                                                                            • Steel Man
                                                                              Steel Man  3 أشهر قبل

                                                                              Lost interest 3 minutes in

                                                                              • Elliot Nunez
                                                                                Elliot Nunez  3 أشهر قبل

                                                                                As the the 9th kid of 12. Conflict resolve is easily my most impressive skill...

                                                                                • Love Lee
                                                                                  Love Lee  3 أشهر قبل

                                                                                  I think your onto something, amd women REALLY need to hear it. So do men but women will really relate.

                                                                                  • Grant Burris
                                                                                    Grant Burris  4 أشهر قبل

                                                                                    I've listened as some women talk to their husbands. Sometimes I want to say, Who died and left you in charge? The compassion is just absent. It isn't easy to have a corrective conversation with your mate. It is a challenge. For some, it is a challenge to talk with anyone without exhibiting the "I'll tell you what you can do" mode. Attitude determines altitude. That works with planes and conversations. Most people could develop their conversational ability by working in a customer service job for a while.

                                                                                    • ExiledStardust
                                                                                      ExiledStardust  16 أيام قبل

                                                                                      Who died and left you in charge of what women should say?

                                                                                      • Maria Malicek
                                                                                        Maria Malicek  4 أشهر قبل

                                                                                        I love this woman she is honest and straight up!!!

                                                                                        • Jenna Ryan
                                                                                          Jenna Ryan  4 أشهر قبل

                                                                                          Great speech!!!

                                                                                          • Denike Owolabi
                                                                                            Denike Owolabi  4 أشهر قبل

                                                                                            Why does it sound a little manipulative to me.......or should I say pity seeking..... "Oh look- I'm vulnerable, Pity Me and give me a positive response"

                                                                                            • Tim Dolch
                                                                                              Tim Dolch  4 أشهر قبل

                                                                                              Why doesn’t this video have more views and likes?

                                                                                              • Rather C
                                                                                                Rather C  4 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                You are sincere and down to earth. Some Ted Talkers try to make us all saints, of course it is a big turnoff. You gave simple examples of sharing feelings and be vulnerable. Thanks.

                                                                                                • Miss K
                                                                                                  Miss K  4 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                  Thank you, this is what I needed to hear! I hope this helps me with my family

                                                                                                  • Kody Hunter
                                                                                                    Kody Hunter  5 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                    I'm guilty of gridlock

                                                                                                    • Janey Lane
                                                                                                      Janey Lane  7 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                      The title definitely needs to change. She is still talking about learning how to communicate on a different level. Perhaps "Communication Tips for Healthier Relationships"

                                                                                                      • Dumfries Spearhead
                                                                                                        Dumfries Spearhead  16 ساعات قبل

                                                                                                        The title is clickbait.

                                                                                                        • Esel
                                                                                                          Esel  8 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                          why is she not confident? she looks so nervous.

                                                                                                          • Andrew Jones
                                                                                                            Andrew Jones  9 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                            I like it. It seems she needs more time to explain it than she had. It's actually very challenging to word it this way. To own that "I feel" instead of "you make me feel" "I want" instead of some appeal to expectations, and can you help me? Instead of "you should".

                                                                                                            • Phyllis Williams
                                                                                                              Phyllis Williams  2 أيام قبل

                                                                                                              Several years back I was taught to help children express their feelings without accusing. (I was a teacher.) We taught kids to create "I statements" . It went like this: "I feel __(emotion) when you ___(action). I would like you to___". I think she may be addressing this.

                                                                                                              • Tim Dolch
                                                                                                                Tim Dolch  4 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                                Andrew Jones I think it is a habit you can work on by journaling these kind of statements to yourself. The same kind of practice that helps with overcoming childhood emotional neglect and alexythymia. Building up the self-awareness and practicing careful choice of words with yourself works just like training for emergency preparedness, so that instead of reacting you can let the training “take over” as they say.

                                                                                                                • Andrew Jones
                                                                                                                  Andrew Jones  9 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                                  I like it. It seems she needs more time to explain it than she had. It's actually very challenging to word it this way. To own that "I feel" instead of "you make me feel" "I want" instead of some appeal to expectations, and can you help me? Instead of "you should".

                                                                                                                  • ALZHEIMERDINGER
                                                                                                                    ALZHEIMERDINGER  10 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                                    This is a combination of truth and cringe...

                                                                                                                    • steven townsend
                                                                                                                      steven townsend  10 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                                      This was erotic...find the visual

                                                                                                                      • scott sanger
                                                                                                                        scott sanger  11 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                                        women have no idea how to just be.........everything is group think.

                                                                                                                        • Bethany Mo
                                                                                                                          Bethany Mo  4 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                                          Grant Burris I don’t think too much discussion causes the end of the relationship. I think issues are already present that are causing reason for discussion (and without proper communication skills, these discussions CAN be more hurtful to the relationship than helpful. But not having them is just as harmful because then that means there are unaddressed discomforts in the relationship that will grow into resentment.) healthy relationships often have discussions, but they are more like conversations than lectures.

                                                                                                                          • Grant Burris
                                                                                                                            Grant Burris  4 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                                            That is because most are not there to 'figure it out'. Most are there to figure out how to blame someone else. Compassion is the key to most all this stuff. Too much discussion can be the kiss of death.

                                                                                                                            • Elizabeth Collins
                                                                                                                              Elizabeth Collins  9 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                                              scott sanger Not all of us have that problem. The part I hate most in relationships is all the incessant “talking” and “figuring out”. I’m not a fan of sitting around sharing feelings and I hate people being in my business. Just let me be and get outta my face. Ya know? 👌

                                                                                                                              • WisdomSeeker
                                                                                                                                WisdomSeeker  11 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                                                I don't like the title because I don't think it's true, but I like what she says. This is all in the way you're communicating.

                                                                                                                                • Dumfries Spearhead
                                                                                                                                  Dumfries Spearhead  16 ساعات قبل

                                                                                                                                  Clickbait.

                                                                                                                                  • Michael Rumble
                                                                                                                                    Michael Rumble  11 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                                                    Communication is what’s wrong with relationships... The communication your talking about is the communication that is after the marriage is already over,they just don’t know it yet.

                                                                                                                                    • Ashmeed Mohammed
                                                                                                                                      Ashmeed Mohammed  13 ساعات قبل

                                                                                                                                      @Dumfries Spearhead and u guys get taken advantaged of, by more selfish people.

                                                                                                                                      • Dumfries Spearhead
                                                                                                                                        Dumfries Spearhead  16 ساعات قبل

                                                                                                                                        @Ashmeed Mohammed I've often put TOO much effort in, which is a bad sign, efforting always is.

                                                                                                                                        • Ashmeed Mohammed
                                                                                                                                          Ashmeed Mohammed  3 أشهر قبل

                                                                                                                                          i personally dont want to put the effort in, and i think a lot of people arent honest enough to say that. or at least, they dont want to put as much into it as they need to. ur supposed to give more than u get, but people want to see thier actions, their input, returned to them.. they want to see the value back for what they invest. its fair, but thats not how relationships work.

                                                                                                                                          • Yang Li
                                                                                                                                            Yang Li  سنوات قبل

                                                                                                                                            I feel... and I don’t like/like it or I want to. ... What I want in my life is ... what do you think? Can u help with it? I’ll try with friends and boyfriend

                                                                                                                                            • Ben M
                                                                                                                                              Ben M  سنوات قبل

                                                                                                                                              Can you show me how to feel love?

                                                                                                                                              • Phyllis Williams
                                                                                                                                                Phyllis Williams  2 أيام قبل

                                                                                                                                                Check out Brene Brown on TED...or check out her books, particularly "Daring Greatly". Step 1 is to want to love. So God bless you!

                                                                                                                                                • Milan Clefas
                                                                                                                                                  Milan Clefas  2 سنوات قبل

                                                                                                                                                  TEDx is ruining your minds

                                                                                                                                                  • LastManStanding
                                                                                                                                                    LastManStanding  سنوات قبل

                                                                                                                                                    Milan Clefas Please explain how. Also cool grox guy I love spore.

                                                                                                                                                    • Milan Clefas
                                                                                                                                                      Milan Clefas  2 سنوات قبل

                                                                                                                                                      Still a half too much.

                                                                                                                                                      • Aditya Roy
                                                                                                                                                        Aditya Roy  2 سنوات قبل

                                                                                                                                                        Half yes and half no.