Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay | TEDxUpperEastSide

  • Published: 30 August 2013
  • Are you ready to talk about relationships? Alexandra Redcay is the executive director to Serise, Inc. She can be found at Alexandra has over 18 years of direct practice, management, and training experience working in mental health, substance abuse, child welfare, juvenile justice, and education systems. She is an expert consultant in establishing healthy relationships.
    In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)

Comments • 1 632

  • 한승민
    한승민  10 часов назад

    Why should we save our time and energy on love? We love to waste our time and energy.

    • La liberté d'être Soi
      La liberté d'être Soi  2 дня назад

      merci beaucoup 🙏

      • Карина Аруштова
        Карина Аруштова  3 дня назад

        I was raised in a traditional Russian family, where it is common practice to convince their children that no matter what, it is their fault that the relationship failed, especially the daughters. Right because of the reasons mentioned - «oh, every relationship needs work», «you should stay with him, who else is going to marry you, if you have kids». It pains me that there is a person who advises to blindly trust your friends and family to either choose or not choose your partner. I do get that, while in love, person's judgement can be clouded, but still - giving someone else a responsibility to make such a big a decision - is a bewildering concept to me. And also, there could be a reverse story: your potential partner can be super charming while around other people while being a monster in private.

        • Michael R Ahearne
          Michael R Ahearne  3 дня назад

          Talk giver has great presence wonderful talk!

          • Nakidz
            Nakidz  6 дней назад

            This talk is only for ppl with normal, sane, honest friends and family members. Mine are not in those categories.

            • Nakidz
              Nakidz  6 дней назад

              I've never done any drugs, not even pot (and I'm 45). We do exist lol.

              • Robert Barraza
                Robert Barraza  6 дней назад

                I loved this, well explained

                • hello
                  hello  6 дней назад

                  notice how guys are usually the problem. they are inconsiderate and distant and often unfaithful...

                  • 1m2a3t4t5
                    1m2a3t4t5  6 дней назад

                    Disagree with the thesis of asking your friends if theyre right for you...

                    • 3 as1
                      3 as1  6 дней назад

                      For some reason I can't trust her, because of her looks?

                      • mylife 23
                        mylife 23  6 дней назад

                        The " player " acts more loving n charming ECT..... To keep them as long as possible b4 dumping when they find someone " better ". The players decieve.

                        • Vanessa
                          Vanessa  7 дней назад


                          • Campbell Koschei
                            Campbell Koschei  7 дней назад

                            marriages fail because women are selfish as she admits here..and women do not keep their promises or follow a sense of duty

                            • Campbell Koschei
                              Campbell Koschei  7 дней назад

                              This woman has never had a functional relationship in her life

                              • Wendy Thompson
                                Wendy Thompson  7 дней назад

                                New rule: Date #3 is a double date with good friends.

                                • aleksandrova alexa
                                  aleksandrova alexa  10 дней назад

                                  In my case, I wished I wasn't listening to my community and trust my guts. I spent 14 years of time for a person who wasn't good for me. My guts told me that at the begging but the community associated as as 'two shoes' the mirrowed a perfect match but my guts told me to run away. I wish I should have listen.

                                  • Laksmi Terrado Abajo
                                    Laksmi Terrado Abajo  12 дней назад

                                    Brilliant!! Thanks for this presentation it has been really helpful and I really love the way you got involved into it.

                                    • MOMMY&ME channel
                                      MOMMY&ME channel  12 дней назад

                                      i am the first womem

                                      • Mary Perry
                                        Mary Perry  12 дней назад


                                        • Alexander
                                          Alexander  13 дней назад

                                          The bit around 6 minutes in to 7 sounds like self projecting or a very specific situation, I've NEVER seen a situation that was even remotely similar where the friends/family all have said stuff like "Yea he/she is not good for you" and the person then going "Yea he's different when we're alone". I've NEVER experienced anything like this

                                          • hanna bates
                                            hanna bates  13 дней назад

                                            I liked her, she didn’t sound like she was reading off of a teleprompter

                                            • timtamothy21
                                              timtamothy21  14 дней назад

                                              This is the least entertaining Ted talk I've ever listened to... Right?

                                              • Zainab
                                                Zainab  14 дней назад

                                                I so wish I had listened to this a year and a half ago before I got into my last relationship that ended a week ago, I'm still struggling. He was nice, but we were NOT right for each other......

                                                • Paula Cillo
                                                  Paula Cillo  15 дней назад

                                                  para el pabli que lo mira por tv

                                                  • Brittany Shirkey
                                                    Brittany Shirkey  16 дней назад

                                                    I'm the "mean" friend that gives good advice lol

                                                    • P Mac
                                                      P Mac  16 дней назад

                                                      Fake a meeting? That’s honest? Work out for yourself what you need and will accept and trust your gut, but then let those around you tell you if someone’s right for you?? This woman is a freak.. oh and not just cause she’s a woman, a man can be just as much a freak?

                                                      • Aeoreka2
                                                        Aeoreka2  19 дней назад

                                                        Nobody purposefully goes out to seek unavailable, emotionally stunted, childish, player-types, “nice,” narcissistic and sadistic people. It’s okay to point out red flags. It’s normal to have people from the outside tell you the red flags they spot. It’s also normal to have those same people validate the red flags pushing you further into the cycle rather than leading you away from what’s not for you. Teach people to do better in their relationship journeys but, don’t blame them for things they didn’t notice or for things they were told not to avoid. Sometimes people on the outside looking in only want to be entertained with the faults of the person their watching. They’re happiest when they see someone else failing even if it means they have to encourage and help that person to fail in the process.

                                                        • Micah Hoffman
                                                          Micah Hoffman  19 дней назад

                                                          She can’t find a man cos she’s 40........

                                                          • Katy Smith
                                                            Katy Smith  20 дней назад

                                                            If I could watch this video a half year ago I wouldn’t be in that bad relationship. I needed to listen to my honest friend who said that we are not going to be together, there’s no way we could be a happy couple, but I didn’t listen to her and thought that we could make everything right if we want to. But now I realize that I was blinded and fell in love with inappropriate person who just wasted my time and gone. Angry

                                                            • Irma Aguirre
                                                              Irma Aguirre  21 день назад

                                                              Real self assessment. 🙌🏽👏🏽

                                                              • Constance Aelbrecht
                                                                Constance Aelbrecht  21 день назад

                                                                she is so fatalist omg, poor woman

                                                                • Brit Casta
                                                                  Brit Casta  21 день назад

                                                                  I wish I saw this two years ago

                                                                  • How to Date an African Man for American ladies


                                                                    • RILEY (SlotDog) PLAYS SLOTS (He's a dog)

                                                                      Couple of problems. 1 I have no family or friends. So I'm not going to be introducing anyone. 2. All women are infertile over 40. I dont want an old lady. And I'm in shape and stable but I'm over 40. 3. No pretty women under 40 show any interest in dating me. So I'm screwed. So I give up.

                                                                      • Gil Ebanks Knowles
                                                                        Gil Ebanks Knowles  27 дней назад

                                                                        The “good guys” are broke lady. They want you to fix there life. Ugh

                                                                        • OurNewestMember
                                                                          OurNewestMember  28 дней назад

                                                                          2:45 problem/solution 13:50 happiness from afar or under foot?

                                                                          • SemiGraphic Memory
                                                                            SemiGraphic Memory  29 дней назад

                                                                            "Right?" .... "Right?" ...Consider the effect on the brain when a speaker slips that into every other thing they say. Felt like she didn't really get that choosing your partner is not really how this goes... If you date like you shop for a good melon at the grocery store, you're gonna be disappointed. That shit's gonna rot over time.

                                                                            • whenlifegivesyoulemons daisies
                                                                              whenlifegivesyoulemons daisies  29 дней назад

                                                                              How many times can you hit a like button? this transformed me in 17 minutes :) I had to laugh at the mean friend part, because that is me in my group of friends ;')

                                                                              • D S
                                                                                D S  Месяц назад

                                                                                Conan O'Brien's twin🤣

                                                                                • Moniques Art and Stuff
                                                                                  Moniques Art and Stuff  Месяц назад

                                                                                  He pretended that he loved me when really he didn't. Took him three months to come to that conclusion. The only thing I wish is that he would have took one day to realize that and not have wasted my time. But i am glad he is not in my life anymore! I need real love. I was truly in love with him, i was willing to do anything for him. I ignored his red flags. I hope i will grow from this and never go back!

                                                                                  • Alex Carino
                                                                                    Alex Carino  Месяц назад

                                                                                    but theres no perfect relationship but if both can agree to each other than thats all you need. theres no such thing as person of their dreams, a perfect match

                                                                                    • Jill Marie
                                                                                      Jill Marie  Месяц назад

                                                                                      Much of what she talks about is true. Relationships require certain skills and patience. Don’t forget that you cannot make healthy or wise decisions if you are not aware of who you are first before entering into a relationship with someone else. For instance, some of us came from broken homes or dysfunctional families that change who we are as a person and you have to be willing to work on improving yourself first before expecting someone else to love you and want to commit to you. Love yourself first. In my opinion, you can’t have a healthy sustainable relationship if you are not mentally healthy.

                                                                                      • Miguel Lara
                                                                                        Miguel Lara  Месяц назад


                                                                                        • Allison Waters
                                                                                          Allison Waters  Месяц назад

                                                                                          She's a good speaker. Great message. I'm the type of woman she's talking about, and Im glad I'm realizing when Im young.

                                                                                          • Tony Walker
                                                                                            Tony Walker  Месяц назад

                                                                                            I'm a guy and i realized this too i'm 24 and people always tell me i'm so wise beyond my years. How are you. If you don't mind

                                                                                            • Ekaterina Titova
                                                                                              Ekaterina Titova  Месяц назад

                                                                                              Hi! Would you be SO kind to explain, is there any chance to see subtitles in Russian?

                                                                                              • S T
                                                                                                S T  Месяц назад

                                                                                                Our close ones tell us what's safest for us (and them), not necessarily the best.

                                                                                                • L Chen
                                                                                                  L Chen  Месяц назад

                                                                                                  In all seriousness, who are the people teaching pigs to sing??

                                                                                                  • Tamsin Walker
                                                                                                    Tamsin Walker  Месяц назад

                                                                                                    I feel attacked

                                                                                                    • Simran koirala
                                                                                                      Simran koirala  Месяц назад

                                                                                                      When she said somewhere along the lines of " forget the friend that tell you that they trust your decision and just wants to see you happy" , I was like YESSSSSSSSSSSSS. That is not real advice lol

                                                                                                      • Lifeinpink
                                                                                                        Lifeinpink  Месяц назад

                                                                                                        This was a very good TED talk!

                                                                                                        • Indie Fury
                                                                                                          Indie Fury  Месяц назад

                                                                                                          This young man with a girly voice is right.

                                                                                                          • Jabari James
                                                                                                            Jabari James  Месяц назад

                                                                                                            She backstab me for years 👩🏿‍🦱

                                                                                                            • Laur Tamati
                                                                                                              Laur Tamati  Месяц назад

                                                                                                              Seems like there's a simple solution.. Rather than acting like you're 16 for the whole of your 20s, look for a life partner. Waiting til your 40s..50s..really? And you're overestimating peoples friends and families. People project, a lot.

                                                                                                              • adam park
                                                                                                                adam park  Месяц назад

                                                                                                                Right? What if you don’t have friend in the world? Right? Start off a relationship by deceiving the person and setting up a triple date. Right? Ignore the possibility that your friends and family might be horrible judges of character and you might pass on someone who might actually get you. Right?

                                                                                                                • Lene Marlene
                                                                                                                  Lene Marlene  Месяц назад


                                                                                                                  • Soul Flowerz
                                                                                                                    Soul Flowerz  Месяц назад

                                                                                                                    Thank You!

                                                                                                                    • Roger Huggett Jr.
                                                                                                                      Roger Huggett Jr.  Месяц назад

                                                                                                                      As the good guy that's had 3 failed marriages, it goes both ways. I can win the girl who's sick of the game players, but then the lack of drama makes me boring once they are over the pain and they want the dangerous types again.

                                                                                                                      • TBL TBL
                                                                                                                        TBL TBL  Месяц назад

                                                                                                                        Absolutely outstanding. She's a great speaker with easy to remember points. Very reassuring demeanor and voice. A+++++++

                                                                                                                        • clycleng
                                                                                                                          clycleng  Месяц назад

                                                                                                                          When everyone said to “Run”, I just stood and later on, I got run over by him 😂

                                                                                                                          • Chris Corbett
                                                                                                                            Chris Corbett  Месяц назад

                                                                                                                            women are so dumb...a good man to them is a genie...that's it. someone who gives them money when they want

                                                                                                                            • Helene Faltis
                                                                                                                              Helene Faltis  Месяц назад

                                                                                                                              I drag my new friends to my family all the time, they almost never say anything about them lmao so idk

                                                                                                                              • James Edward
                                                                                                                                James Edward  Месяц назад

                                                                                                                                Just came here from Femi Ogunjinmi's Ted Talk and the brother was telling me that love is about sacrifice. Now this lady is telling me that I shouldn't be with anyone that I have to make sacrifices for or that has to make sacrifices for me. I'm so confused!

                                                                                                                                • Keith Taylor
                                                                                                                                  Keith Taylor  Месяц назад

                                                                                                                                  Thank you!

                                                                                                                                  • Jane Doe
                                                                                                                                    Jane Doe  Месяц назад

                                                                                                                                    Great talk! ❤️

                                                                                                                                    • TylerMusicSandwich
                                                                                                                                      TylerMusicSandwich  Месяц назад

                                                                                                                                      SO GOOD!!!

                                                                                                                                      • Jan H
                                                                                                                                        Jan H  Месяц назад

                                                                                                                                        Lol my parents never happy with any girl Met a richer girl From richer family Make more money girl Can do chores and household work plus hold professional successful job

                                                                                                                                        • Elora Molano
                                                                                                                                          Elora Molano  Месяц назад

                                                                                                                                          The most informative speech on the topic I've ever found.

                                                                                                                                          • what is the answer
                                                                                                                                            what is the answer  2 месяца назад

                                                                                                                                            Brilliant..thank. I needed this.

                                                                                                                                            • Revolution Underground
                                                                                                                                              Revolution Underground  2 месяца назад

                                                                                                                                              I can't stand fake people

                                                                                                                                              • Fuby TV
                                                                                                                                                Fuby TV  2 месяца назад

                                                                                                                                                This is so biased.

                                                                                                                                                • CM G
                                                                                                                                                  CM G  2 месяца назад

                                                                                                                                                  The problem is when your family knows nothing about what you really want and only cares about superficial things like how good a job the person has and whether or not they go to the right church

                                                                                                                                                  • laarnie ang
                                                                                                                                                    laarnie ang  2 месяца назад


                                                                                                                                                    • Craig ______
                                                                                                                                                      Craig ______  2 месяца назад

                                                                                                                                                      She didn't tell us up open our eyes. In fact... Mine are still closed... 3 weeks later... It's been a real pain in my job as a surgeon.

                                                                                                                                                      • Shawn J
                                                                                                                                                        Shawn J  2 месяца назад

                                                                                                                                                        Hook up and marry your best besties friend!

                                                                                                                                                        • Courtney Gillespie
                                                                                                                                                          Courtney Gillespie  2 месяца назад

                                                                                                                                                          I know where I'm going, get out the way