Searching for love to escape ourselves | Hayley Quinn | TEDxUniversityofNevada

  • Published: 12 February 2016
  • Love, sex and dating are often venerated as 'the ultimate goal of life'. However how much of our quest for love is about avoiding being with ourselves? About facing reality? About creating our own direction? And in running away from ourselves in love, do we ultimately avoid the work needed to return to selfhood that will actually bring us happiness.
    Hayley Quinn is the UK’s leading Dating Expert and has helped 100,000’s of men and women re-think their love lives.

    A graduate in English and Psychoanalysis from UCL Hayley set up her own company as a reaction to encountering the ‘pick up artist’ culture and working as a ghost writer for characters from the New York Times bestseller ‘The Game’.

    An advocate of real life dating skills she’s used her websites ([]), and her online member’s clubs to show people that there’s more to life than meeting someone than Tinder.

    She’s been a featured expert for numerous international TV shows and has had a Channel 4 Cutting Edge documentary ‘BiCurious Me’ based around her explorations into sexuality and relationships. She has also written for Cosmopolitan, the Independent, the Telegraph and regular provides social experiment vlogs to news sites.

    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at

Comments • 1 227

  • Danilla Carolyne
    Danilla Carolyne  Ngày trước

    I learnt the hard way that hurt people hurt people. It's very important to take time to fix yourself and love with be a much better experience after. Also, the truth is you'll find yourself fixing something about you or healing from something every now then. But there are big hurdles that require you to take a time out and heal.

    • Sakina Fletcher
      Sakina Fletcher  4 ngày trước

      She's actually hilarious, fantastic message

      • Philip Turner
        Philip Turner  6 ngày trước

        Loneliness is miserable. If you are attracted to assholes, that is a completely different issue related to childhood issues and learned maladaption. Don't assume that your case generalises to fixing yourself in isolation. Isolation is the worst bloody thing to any human being. Just look at the maladaptive issues in your life, and don't belittle companionship. I'm sick of this nonsense. This talk is a load of rubbish.

        • garyofnyc
          garyofnyc  6 ngày trước

          Dont get her. At all.

          • Lucas Rodrigues
            Lucas Rodrigues  6 ngày trước

            Lacey Sturm is in the crowd!?

            • Kajeczkaa
              Kajeczkaa  8 ngày trước

              Bug thanks for this video! Watching in one of the small caffes on my trip throw Lithuania - great background!

              • Emokiriemi Abednego
                Emokiriemi Abednego  9 ngày trước

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                • brian trend
                  brian trend  9 ngày trước

                  I threw the commie bbc out of my home in 2009 went to the dog pound and gave a great dog a home. I moved out of my lefty regressive batshit county. life is better

                  • Sebastian W
                    Sebastian W  10 ngày trước

                    hidden Tinder add in our face. Very logic=masculine. I loike her ... soul

                    • Asim Giri
                      Asim Giri  10 ngày trước

                      Thank you Harley Quinn 🙂

                      • Ariadne Wolf
                        Ariadne Wolf  11 ngày trước

                        "Destructive, ridiculous, on-off relationship." That describes literally all of mine. So I'm working on it. On me. She is SO RIGHT.

                        • BraveFox100
                          BraveFox100  11 ngày trước

                          She found love to herself inside herself. Being home to read the book and cook for yourself feels so right ... just be.

                          • Yulia Khabibulina
                            Yulia Khabibulina  14 ngày trước

                            Thank you for sharing.

                            • SaithMasu12
                              SaithMasu12  14 ngày trước

                              To be honest, everything except love is like shadow and dust to me. Love isnt necessarily meaning a healthy relationship between two partners that are really into each other. Love first and foremost starts with yourself.

                              • Omnia Ibrahim
                                Omnia Ibrahim  16 ngày trước

                                I agree with everything u said but I want to ask you something what about people who almost never received real love before, what should they do Man this loving ur self thingy never seems to work properly

                                • The Nameless One
                                  The Nameless One  16 ngày trước

                                  I read that as Harley Quinn.

                                  • mirko monni
                                    mirko monni  16 ngày trước


                                    • Goodness Of G-d
                                      Goodness Of G-d  19 ngày trước

                                      Life is how we perceive Our Own Selves

                                      • Kristy B
                                        Kristy B  19 ngày trước

                                        Wow so deep, esp when she said that some days she’d wake up and the pain was so bad that it felt like her heart was burning, Ive been experiencing that a lot it’s so crazy how you can physically feel negative emotions.. 2 months post break up and I’m still hurting but I’m determined to better myself as I feel destroyed from my toxic relationship.

                                        • Tumblr Girl
                                          Tumblr Girl  19 ngày trước

                                          Anyone else here because you thought it said Harley Quin

                                          • Lisa McHugh
                                            Lisa McHugh  20 ngày trước

                                            Who else thought this was about Harley Quinn Batman 😂

                                            • Jon Smith
                                              Jon Smith  22 ngày trước


                                              • joshua shute
                                                joshua shute  23 ngày trước

                                                This has got to be the straightest thing ive ever seen. It absolutely shows why we have our current situation in society.

                                                • Zombie everywhere
                                                  Zombie everywhere  25 ngày trước

                                                  Plato will kill you.

                                                  • Amy Rosanova
                                                    Amy Rosanova  25 ngày trước

                                                    I literally thought that it said Harley Quinn. o.o"

                                                    • Valeria Bagoros Guerra
                                                      Valeria Bagoros Guerra  26 ngày trước

                                                      So nice Hayley! LOVE to you 😊 thank u 🙏

                                                      • Elisa Lazar
                                                        Elisa Lazar  27 ngày trước

                                                        Asa este.

                                                        • Brittney Ann
                                                          Brittney Ann  28 ngày trước

                                                          Wow like her!

                                                          • KAIJU MECHA
                                                            KAIJU MECHA  29 ngày trước

                                                            The UK leading life escaper..

                                                            • Diana21692
                                                              Diana21692  Tháng trước

                                                              This video make me realize I wouldn't be attracted to him if I was happy with my life

                                                              • Tim's Escapist Adventures
                                                                Tim's Escapist Adventures  Tháng trước

                                                                I don't know if I want someone named Hayley Quinn to be lecturing me about love.. jk

                                                                • divya khubdikar
                                                                  divya khubdikar  Tháng trước

                                                                  That was a beautiful talk❤️ Thankyou ❤️

                                                                  • MusaFir
                                                                    MusaFir  Tháng trước

                                                                    Okay so my love sended me wht did she meant by this!??

                                                                    • Dushinka Wijesinghe
                                                                      Dushinka Wijesinghe  Tháng trước


                                                                      • Marta Basso
                                                                        Marta Basso  Tháng trước

                                                                        probably the best TED I've listened to in a long time. riiiiiight in the feels

                                                                        • Florence WilliamS
                                                                          Florence WilliamS  Tháng trước

                                                                          When you can just be. Thats real love.

                                                                          • Sha Sha
                                                                            Sha Sha  Tháng trước

                                                                            Love is overrated.

                                                                            • Hope Cayenne
                                                                              Hope Cayenne  Tháng trước

                                                                              8 months of being single has taught me so much. Spent that first 4 months chasing after my ex convinced he was the one. More hurt and rejection. But since April it's been different. Letting go and just taking one day at a time. Just loving myself more and focusing one me

                                                                              • Patricio The Great
                                                                                Patricio The Great  Tháng trước

                                                                                I would sell my soul for every woman to get cancer and die

                                                                                • Daniel
                                                                                  Daniel  Tháng trước

                                                                                  i want to give her a hug for everything she's been through

                                                                                  • llahmitswr
                                                                                    llahmitswr  Tháng trước

                                                                                    I wish I could give this a thousand thumbs up. She is exactly right in all she said.

                                                                                    • Legt das Mittelmeer trocken und baut eine Mauer!

                                                                                      The essence of all VNclip videos: Stop watching videos and live in the here and now!

                                                                                      • Mikko S.
                                                                                        Mikko S.  Tháng trước

                                                                                        I've never had a love relationship, so tell me people, what do you gain from having one? I've seen so many friends who break up eventually, and I know they gain experience that allows them to learn about themselves, but don't they also waste a lot of time with a person who they're not happy with in the later part of the relationship? I would only do an open relationship because of that, and because I don't think attachment is a part of love. To me love is to want the best for yourself and for your lover, to want them to be happy, and lets face it, you wouldn't be happy knowing your lover isn't happy with you. If there's pressure about saying you're not happy with your partner, fear of breaking up and losing it all, it's harder to speak. In a relationship where both agree it's not necessary to hold on to the other when they don't feel happy being with you, and where they are permitted to seek happiness elsewhere as long as they don't shove their new (temporary) partner to your face etc perhaps, but where you could return to try to spend time with your partner once you feel it's time, wouldn't you be better off like that? I just don't understand why relationships have to be so inflexible. I don't understand how attachment is a part of love. Maybe someone can enlighten me because I'm not so experienced on these things.

                                                                                        • Natalya Pazdnikova
                                                                                          Natalya Pazdnikova  Tháng trước

                                                                                          Ted talk for me and my ridiculous life lol

                                                                                          • Livvy Maher
                                                                                            Livvy Maher  Tháng trước

                                                                                            Very grateful for this talk... lots of things I could relate to

                                                                                            • Grace R
                                                                                              Grace R  Tháng trước


                                                                                              • isabella aragon
                                                                                                isabella aragon  Tháng trước

                                                                                                I hate to even admit it to myself, but I like it to be alone. Sometimes I think what I would do right now if I'd have a man on my side. Well, I definitly wouldn't eat breakfast in my bed, -together with my dogs. I wouldn't have time for myself to read a book or just simply hang out a little. And I probably wouldn't be able to enyoj the cleanliness of my house I cleaned up because there would be somebody to destroy it...I wish there would be Mr. Perfect, who is inteligent , friendly, spontanious and is cleaning up after himself, - oh yes, and who doesn't believe that he is the better person because of beeing male...I guess I'm the everything-or-nothing kind of type: It is Mr. Perfect or I have more fun with beeing alone.

                                                                                                • smita blossom
                                                                                                  smita blossom  Tháng trước

                                                                                                  U words really helped me.. thank you so much

                                                                                                  • Dan Campeau
                                                                                                    Dan Campeau  Tháng trước

                                                                                                    I think I'm too burned out to date. I'm also thinking: Do I want to pour massive amounts of energy into commitment at 46 years old?

                                                                                                    • Hema Prasanthi
                                                                                                      Hema Prasanthi  Tháng trước

                                                                                                      She is so brave. I love her character

                                                                                                      • Dimitriou Chemistry
                                                                                                        Dimitriou Chemistry  Tháng trước

                                                                                                        I wanted to learn something from this, but I was too distracted thinking about how hot this chick is.

                                                                                                        • Rag Nar
                                                                                                          Rag Nar  Tháng trước

                                                                                                          Sorry. You are not funny nor is your pitally little story impressionable.

                                                                                                          • solasnova
                                                                                                            solasnova  Tháng trước

                                                                                                            I landed at this video, after I've been practically on my own almost my whole life, and yet I can say that it speaks to me; but from the opposite way. It is also a way of escaping from yourself, if you never allow any intimate/romantic connection to happen. I used to be unable to do that for what feels like eternities, because I've experienced too much pain in connection to love so far. Yet that does not mean that now - since it is so painful to me - I should go hide even more. I'm doing all the self-discovery. I'm doing the meditations, the self care, the yoga. It's time for me now to allow myself to be with others, and see who I am in connection with another being. And most of all: Also to allow myself to be *seen* for who I am. Emotionally, spiritually, physically. On every level.

                                                                                                            • Craig Barry
                                                                                                              Craig Barry  Tháng trước

                                                                                                              Thank you Hayley

                                                                                                              • Lila Balamane
                                                                                                                Lila Balamane  Tháng trước

                                                                                                                This is exactly what I'm going through. Thank you!

                                                                                                                • Juan el Parque II
                                                                                                                  Juan el Parque II  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                  I almost thought it said this Ted Talk was done by Harley Quinn.

                                                                                                                  • Georgiana speaks
                                                                                                                    Georgiana speaks  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                    Great talk but 6 months single is nothing!

                                                                                                                    • ICR68
                                                                                                                      ICR68  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                      Wow! Hayley is like a scalpel blade. I recently fell in love with a woman who, actually as I eventually found out, didn't love me but had still agreed to date me. Despite pouring my heart out to her and opening up my deepest thoughts she blew hot and cold until I was totally confused. I ignored the warning signs when she became cold to me because I so desperately wanted this to work - until she suddenly walked out on me with the most vicious and cutting of comments that I still battle with today. I am now working at being happy with my own company and have totally shunned shallow romantic love.

                                                                                                                      • Mirmon
                                                                                                                        Mirmon  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                        Women are so entitled, they think 6 month is a big number? Women have it much easier when it comes to dating coz they can basically get any guy they want. I have been lonely literally all my life.

                                                                                                                        • RAch711baby
                                                                                                                          RAch711baby  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                          I needed to hear this so bad thank you

                                                                                                                          • Spiritualistic
                                                                                                                            Spiritualistic  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                            Typical female..attracted to the 'bad boy' types. 'Nice guys' are too boring and predictable for them. B!tches get dumped, treated in the way they deserve. Zero sympathy from me..

                                                                                                                            • Srinidhi Kurella
                                                                                                                              Srinidhi Kurella  2 tháng trước


                                                                                                                              • Kayla Davis
                                                                                                                                Kayla Davis  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                                THAT DRESSSSS💚

                                                                                                                                • Katie Marle
                                                                                                                                  Katie Marle  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                                  This was fAntastic

                                                                                                                                  • Zahid H Khan
                                                                                                                                    Zahid H Khan  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                                    Great words indeed.

                                                                                                                                    • laarnie ang
                                                                                                                                      laarnie ang  2 tháng trước


                                                                                                                                      • goosebumps000
                                                                                                                                        goosebumps000  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                                        Playing this on loop after breaking up cause it temporary makes it feel good

                                                                                                                                        • Ravi Peiris
                                                                                                                                          Ravi Peiris  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                                          It's about balance. Because she is British isn't a reason to listen to her overanalysis. Being genuinely in love means you have a number of vulnerabilities to be able to connect with another human being. This chick is confusing vulnerabilities with insecurities/addictions.

                                                                                                                                          • Nokss Shilenge
                                                                                                                                            Nokss Shilenge  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                                            I need to learn to be happy by myself. I dont think marriage or children can fill that internal void. I feel relationships bring me so much stress and weakness.

                                                                                                                                            • almonies
                                                                                                                                              almonies  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                                              I could not disagree more. I am not looking for love to hide, I am looking for someone to share life with. You are never going to be finished with who you are and your personal growth. I just want to have someone to go to the movies with, to talk to, to live with. Humans are not solitary creatures and we do better when we are not alone. You are a very different person to me and your life sound extremely different from mine. I am not and never have gone out partying or been dating more than one person at one time. It's not dating if you are not invested in finding out about a person, If you have more than one person you are "dating" then you really aren't dating you are avoiding loneliness or something other then what I would call dating. Real love for everyone does not exist. Like art, it is all up to the individuals and what they feel. Just like with food or anything. Some people may like lots of time to themselves or they may not like that. The only time someone should say something is when what is perceived is destructive. If you love to party and are happy "dating" several people at once, who am I to say that is not love or true happiness. I would not want that. Yes, I don't want to be lonely and there is nothing wrong with that. I am not going to choose to be with someone who I do not want to be with or someone who does not treat me well just to avoid loneliness. But I don't want to live a lonely life.

                                                                                                                                              • Veronika Riedl
                                                                                                                                                Veronika Riedl  2 tháng trước


                                                                                                                                                • Luo Ziwei
                                                                                                                                                  Luo Ziwei  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                                                  this speech maker is rly another me..I used to seek escapism from love. Now I just want to grow up with my bf together. We read books, share ideas together, we comfort each other, he teachers me a lot about stopping complaints and to accept my flaws and he is influenced by me too.

                                                                                                                                                  • Orvana Dawn
                                                                                                                                                    Orvana Dawn  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                                                    Thankyou thankyou !!! I needed this .I always got into relationships that were so wrong like in the first instance I knew they weren't right for me but I got into it saying to myself " I'm just gonna enjoy it for 6 months and I'll go mia." Instead it all ended up with them leaving and me heartbroken crying ....I realised I just want to escape myself so if I have someone I'll be able to wake up ,go out meet them and my life felt complete but all I ever felt was empty at the end of it ...I finally realised I need to refocus myself and if it happens great ifit doesn't well I am kkay with it

                                                                                                                                                    • Catherine Ferguson
                                                                                                                                                      Catherine Ferguson  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                                                      thank true...

                                                                                                                                                      • Marcie Salkowski
                                                                                                                                                        Marcie Salkowski  2 tháng trước

                                                                                                                                                        Its awful....peoples capabilities