Is it lust or is it love? | Terri Orbuch | TEDxOaklandUniversity

  • Published: 16 September 2014
  • This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. We’ve all been dizzy with desire at the beginning of a new relationship. But ask anyone to label that urgent longing and yearning, and you’ll get as many different responses as you will people. How do you know whether the passion and butterflies in your stomach are signs of romantic love or simply lust? Dr. Terri Orbuch will discuss signals to distinguish between lust and love, and how to reignite that lustful desire in loving long-term relationships.
    Dr. Terri Orbuch (aka, The Love Doctor®) is a professor of sociology at Oakland University (Rochester, Michigan) and a research professor at the Institute for Social Research at University of Michigan. She is also the project director of a 27-year study on marriage, divorce, and re-partnering (1986 - present), funded by the National Institutes of Health. She is the author of five books, including, “5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great” (Random House) and “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship” (Sourcebooks). She has been featured in The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, USA Today, GQ, Cosmopolitan, and TIME magazine and has appeared on The Today Show, The Katie Couric Show, ESPN and CNN. Her relationship segments are aired on Fox-TV Detroit and she is a relationship expert for, the largest online dating site for singles over 50. Her national public television program titled, “Secrets From The Love Doctor” aired on public TV stations, beginning in December 2013. Learn more about Dr. Orbuch at:
    About TEDx, x = independently organized event In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)

Comments • 999

  • Arun Alosious
    Arun Alosious  8 дней назад

    Love vs Lust - Why should they go together at all? I love this scene from Analyze This: Psychiatrist : "What happened with your wife last night?" Paul Vitti : "I wasn't with my wife, I was with my girlfriend." Psychiatrist : "Are you having marriage problems?" Paul Vitti : "No." Psychiatrist : "Then why do you have a girlfriend?" Paul Vitti : "What, are you gonna start moralizing on me?" Psychiatrist : "No, I'm not, I'm just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend?" Paul Vitti : "I do things with her I can't do with my wife." Psychiatrist : "Why can't you do them with your wife?" Paul Vitti : "Hey, that's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?"

    • kSwissh007
      kSwissh007  13 дней назад

      u can tell she was getting wet just talking about this topic

      • kSwissh007
        kSwissh007  13 дней назад

        wellll it looks like me and my gf are lustfully in love lol

        • Elise Martin
          Elise Martin  16 дней назад

          I agree with the arousal producing activity. Without that there's probably morechance that 'arousal' will arrive in the form of an argument due to boredom.

          • Monika Ogorzałek
            Monika Ogorzałek  28 дней назад

            Yeah but in love you need other person to do it. Because if only 1 side is doing what you say love does is a matter of time that it ended up in broken heart.

            • Jesse Arias
              Jesse Arias  Месяц назад

              According to the talk, I've loved every girl I have slept with and hated every girlfriend I dated. Go figure.

              • Sonya Siles
                Sonya Siles  Месяц назад

                It is love, b ut you people have the strangest customs that make people feel like they have to fornicate first to prove they love and God 2ill judge for that. Who doesn't want to marry a man they love. Treat the bride like a bride. Like you love her and only her.

                • Claudia Vlahović
                  Claudia Vlahović  Месяц назад


                  • ranks22
                    ranks22  Месяц назад

                    ok, so all I have to do when the lust wears off is trade her in for a newer younger model.

                    • Peter J. Goettler
                      Peter J. Goettler  Месяц назад

                      Memory Code

                      • Erichu Edits
                        Erichu Edits  Месяц назад

                        Is it love or is it lust Cause i dont know who to trust So I might as well have fun If its true the good die young💔

                        • ThatNativeGamer
                          ThatNativeGamer  Месяц назад

                          29 with a 5 year relationship. I had so much passion and empathy with my SO. It was like ephoria for years. IDK how it ended. It was real world magic, Illusions.

                          • AB CD
                            AB CD  Месяц назад

                            I cannot separate those two.. if I love I feel lust too, all the time, always 🙂

                            • papaya j
                              papaya j  Месяц назад

                              i can't have lust anymore with my wife..she's so fat..i still love her though.. :)

                              • Alex DeLeon
                                Alex DeLeon  Месяц назад

                                We're pretty sure that the both of us would die without a social life! Maybe were in love, I don't know? He wasn't exactly my type. At first, however, the more I got to know him for his personality the more I realize that I was falling for him. I don't understand it if I'm being honest part of me doubts he feels the same way. We find that we seem so compatible!

                                • StealingSunsets
                                  StealingSunsets  Месяц назад

                                  IS THIS LOVE IS THIS LOVE IS THIS LOVE THAT IM FEELIN?

                                  • James Earnest
                                    James Earnest  11 дней назад

                                    Bob Marley Haha.

                                    • Nathan jones
                                      Nathan jones  Месяц назад

                                      yes yes yes yes yes yessssss

                                      • Sa Mu Rai
                                        Sa Mu Rai  Месяц назад

                                        “ it’s alot of lust not alot of love “ lil skies -

                                        • M
                                          M  2 месяца назад

                                          I always visit my cheating ex-husband at work - he didn't like it lol!

                                          • Tom Sawyer
                                            Tom Sawyer  2 месяца назад

                                            The TED Talk was good in the Beginning. Now anybody who can read a book and memorize other people Conclusions and finding can come a put the act .

                                            • Central Path
                                              Central Path  2 месяца назад

                                              Love or Lust? - In love you use more "we" statements rather than "I" statements. - In love people tend to disclose lots of personal information in communication aka rich communication; may reveal deep secrets and core aspects of yourself, whereas in Lust people remain rather "surface level" in their "disclosure" during communication. - In Love you want to include the people in your life or your "community" in your relationship, rather than keeping it private such as with Lust. - In Love people naturally feel the need to include their partner in significant decisions in their life, rather than simply making the decision on their own, like people tend to do while in Lust. I hope this helps sum things up for y'all! Great information, thank you!

                                              • prithuadhikary
                                                prithuadhikary  2 месяца назад


                                                • Marcie Salkowski
                                                  Marcie Salkowski  2 месяца назад

                                                  Exhausting lol

                                                  • debo d
                                                    debo d  2 месяца назад

                                                    Sounds like she's talking to 6 year olds . . . okay . . . Sorry . . . Great.

                                                    • Mohammed Yassen
                                                      Mohammed Yassen  2 месяца назад

                                                      Lust is a part from love but not vice versa

                                                      • Based Einstein
                                                        Based Einstein  2 месяца назад


                                                        • james black
                                                          james black  2 месяца назад

                                                          i cannot take this accent seriously its so funny

                                                          • steve smith
                                                            steve smith  3 месяца назад

                                                            Today's relationships and dating scene are toxic and a damaged goods convention I have no time for such foolishness.

                                                            • 3538294473718276474
                                                              3538294473718276474  3 месяца назад

                                                              Not all. You just have to change how you perceive them and develop some respect for you and others. First step probably would be to stop seeing at as a "scene"

                                                              • Bob Ravenscraft
                                                                Bob Ravenscraft  3 месяца назад

                                                                LUST next question

                                                                • SneZana
                                                                  SneZana  3 месяца назад

                                                                  Thank you! I'll just go and buy the best basketball ball ;) that I can find in one of the countless sports shops in our metropolis ;) and see what is going to happen :) .

                                                                  • Krissy Ojos Azules Profundos
                                                                    Krissy Ojos Azules Profundos  3 месяца назад

                                                                    Goes into store to buy expensive bottle of GreyGoose. Hits 2nd store to buy a long/slim rope You can figure out the rest. Thanks for the TedX talk! ⚰️🤦🏻‍♀️🔫

                                                                    • Dylan
                                                                      Dylan  3 месяца назад

                                                                      Surely the us of the word "we" doesn't mean there is love

                                                                      • James Little
                                                                        James Little  3 месяца назад

                                                                        We never visit the same restaurant, never go on vacation to the same destination, and take turns planning secret dates/vacations.

                                                                        • prabh prabhmeet
                                                                          prabh prabhmeet  4 месяца назад

                                                                          DD that’s love 🌎

                                                                          • Emma Weisz
                                                                            Emma Weisz  4 месяца назад

                                                                            This is BS

                                                                            • ranon banerjee
                                                                              ranon banerjee  4 месяца назад

                                                                              Her face is funny though.

                                                                              • Tiago M
                                                                                Tiago M  4 месяца назад

                                                                                What is love?

                                                                                • Gamma Digamma
                                                                                  Gamma Digamma  5 месяцев назад

                                                                                  I never understood either

                                                                                  • claire
                                                                                    claire  5 месяцев назад

                                                                                    None of us is perfect

                                                                                    • claire
                                                                                      claire  5 месяцев назад

                                                                                      I don’t see what’s wrong with being in lust

                                                                                      • Simin Zheng
                                                                                        Simin Zheng  5 месяцев назад

                                                                                        Am I the only one think this is BS?!

                                                                                        • Simin Zheng
                                                                                          Simin Zheng  5 месяцев назад

                                                                                          Am I the only one thing this is BS?!

                                                                                          • Mehreen Gul
                                                                                            Mehreen Gul  6 месяцев назад

                                                                                            Great now I have to convince my crush to sit on a roller coaster with me.

                                                                                            • VidiSensiVici
                                                                                              VidiSensiVici  6 месяцев назад

                                                                                              In our lifetime, we would meet many, but only once in a blue moon we would meet someone who shares like kind energy with us, and we would have so much fun interacting together, talking for hours, having so much fun in bed, and life seemed so rosy. It would be ideal if love flourishes and the person is loyal, then the relationship might go somewhere. What is love? Love is giving or loving without expecting anything in return. It takes lots of love to be loyal to that person through a lifetime and to endure through all struggles and hardships together, a saint perhaps. Could one create lust? I suppose to a certain degree, but it is always ideal to find one who shares like kind energy with us to have lots of fun together.

                                                                                              • Zoey Muana
                                                                                                Zoey Muana  6 месяцев назад

                                                                                                Does anyone noticed how huge her neck is ? 😳

                                                                                                • Khalil Bhatti
                                                                                                  Khalil Bhatti  6 месяцев назад

                                                                                                  Khoty di bchi! 🤣🤣

                                                                                                  • ToshaDor
                                                                                                    ToshaDor  7 месяцев назад

                                                                                                    Damn it, I hoped my feelings are just lust but it seems to me it’s love -_-

                                                                                                    • Dulce Melody Orozco
                                                                                                      Dulce Melody Orozco  7 месяцев назад

                                                                                                      ¿How long does lust last? Because I have been in this stage for 29 years

                                                                                                      • Manasi Udgirkar
                                                                                                        Manasi Udgirkar  7 месяцев назад

                                                                                                        what happens when its love from one side and lust from the other? God I'm screwed.

                                                                                                        • Edward Elric
                                                                                                          Edward Elric  7 месяцев назад

                                                                                                          The way she speaks slowly is really nice of her to make non native English speaker like me understand completely what she talks. Thank you and it is really an interesting talk.

                                                                                                          • Andrew Grimm
                                                                                                            Andrew Grimm  7 месяцев назад

                                                                                                            It's very reassuring to see that a relationship is love, rather than only being lust.

                                                                                                            • Asathora
                                                                                                              Asathora  7 месяцев назад

                                                                                                              “Arousal producing activity”. Lol

                                                                                                              • Crymble
                                                                                                                Crymble  7 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                This was kinda lame and nothing new, yet presented in a way we were in elementary school and never had touched the other gender. Watched the whole video on 1.25x speed and it was still slow.

                                                                                                                • SalmaX33
                                                                                                                  SalmaX33  7 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                  When she was talking about the onion I thought of shrek

                                                                                                                  • Marcelo B
                                                                                                                    Marcelo B  7 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                    WHY NOT BOTH?

                                                                                                                    • Jaylinn Herrera
                                                                                                                      Jaylinn Herrera  7 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                      just wanted to be the 1000th comment ✌🏽

                                                                                                                      • Tareq 97
                                                                                                                        Tareq 97  7 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                        arabic sub plssssss !

                                                                                                                        • John Lalousis
                                                                                                                          John Lalousis  7 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                          Love is above the belt. Lust is below it.

                                                                                                                          • richard bedford
                                                                                                                            richard bedford  7 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                            40 years with my last wife she passed away from lung cancer in November. I was at her side until the end. I gushed unashamed tears at her loss. I laid her to rest in a Catholic a mausoleum as she had requested. She looked so beautiful in her casket just another of God's angels ready to be swept up into heaven. For us it was all love I will always love her. Tears of joy love's labors won.

                                                                                                                            • Nabriales
                                                                                                                              Nabriales  8 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                              Lust is just infatuation. Love is something that GROWS after you spend time with the person. There is no such thing as love at first sight.

                                                                                                                              • Isabella Arden
                                                                                                                                Isabella Arden  8 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                she looks like Angela from the office

                                                                                                                                • Georgiana Rus
                                                                                                                                  Georgiana Rus  8 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                  So it's not love at the first sight, it's lust at the first sight..

                                                                                                                                  • magdelima
                                                                                                                                    magdelima  9 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                    nothing more powerful than " I felt in love by what I created about you in my mind"

                                                                                                                                    • First Last
                                                                                                                                      First Last  9 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                      I prefer both.

                                                                                                                                      • Nataly Velokova
                                                                                                                                        Nataly Velokova  9 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                        It has been my experience that it takes at least six months for a new person's real personality to begin to leak through. It seems as if everybody lies about everything until they quit caring about what the other person thinks.

                                                                                                                                        • Rajie Music
                                                                                                                                          Rajie Music  9 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                          I think the only thing you can say with any kind of authority is whether someone's love is justified given the circumstances, not try to define what that person is feeling or not feeling based on a set of arbitrary definitions and rules.

                                                                                                                                          • Rajie Music
                                                                                                                                            Rajie Music  9 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                            Who makes up these definitions?

                                                                                                                                            • Evelyn Scott
                                                                                                                                              Evelyn Scott  9 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                              Well lust is a thing for desire and pleasure not friendship or love.

                                                                                                                                              • Vincen Cohan
                                                                                                                                                Vincen Cohan  10 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                                Lust wont last long.... love will lasts

                                                                                                                                                • milanetc
                                                                                                                                                  milanetc  10 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                                  a little bit reductive....

                                                                                                                                                  • A LEPTA
                                                                                                                                                    A LEPTA  10 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                                    I can tell that her husband cheats on her. No one else could stay with her for that long.

                                                                                                                                                    • ᄋᄌᄋcallmeusagi-chan
                                                                                                                                                      ᄋᄌᄋcallmeusagi-chan  11 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                                      Lmao my man and I have been together for over a year and its definitely love....... but yes I have all my stuffed animals on the bed 😂

                                                                                                                                                      • ima fish
                                                                                                                                                        ima fish  2 месяца назад

                                                                                                                                                        But arnt you scared that your stuffed animal pets are gonna get squished?! What about little George and Teddy?! They don't like being squished and Sarah the giraffe would get seriously hurt if someone fell asleep on her 😢

                                                                                                                                                        • SA TA
                                                                                                                                                          SA TA  11 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                                          The red flags you’re ignoring in the beginning are the things that break the relationship later.

                                                                                                                                                          • Welt Rogg
                                                                                                                                                            Welt Rogg  11 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                                            No I don't know that! I'm 30 year old and I never had a girl. This video is very painful.

                                                                                                                                                            • K Taylor
                                                                                                                                                              K Taylor  11 месяцев назад

                                                                                                                                                              I don't think she understands love. It's more than the physiological bonding and wanting them to meet your family and friends.