Relationships Are Hard, But Why? | Stan Tatkin | TEDxKC

  • Published: 03 September 2016
  • Relationships are hard. But what if it's not you or them or sex, money or even who picks up the socks. What if there is a far more primitive reason?

    In this talk, relationship expert Stan Tatkin explores why we fight from the perspective of neuroscience - and how to give your relationship a fighting chance.
    Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.
    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at

Comments • 374

  • Kenny Ethan Jones
    Kenny Ethan Jones  2 hari yang lalu

    Love his energy.

    • christopher thorne
      christopher thorne  4 hari yang lalu

      Golden Nugget 08:11 Change Your Position

      • Real_sheena alexis
        Real_sheena alexis  9 hari yang lalu

        Still watching this video , yet this is such a good video , that i have to save and re listen , to fully better understand. that alot of my issues is in the brain. Makes sense, thanks so much for sharing this relationship , brain , and the power of chemicals bouncing . And what is natural thing we call life.

        • Ersof Rescht
          Ersof Rescht  10 hari yang lalu

          I read satan talkin😂

          • O O
            O O  12 hari yang lalu

            Thank you!👍

            • Stephen B. Smith
              Stephen B. Smith  19 hari yang lalu

              Girls are so complicated

              • Jeff Zekas
                Jeff Zekas  19 hari yang lalu

                Don't marry someone who has slept with every person in the senior class of the high school. That is a person who is deeply emotionally troubled. My son learned this lesson.

                • Jazzy J
                  Jazzy J  20 hari yang lalu

                  This Stan Tantkin lecture is a good way to reap the benefits from a relationship session when you feel like skipping a traditional one! He is absolutely right!

                  • Pique NY
                    Pique NY  21 hari yang lalu

                    persons has experienced everything already so when they do decide to get into an actual relationship they get bored fast and disinterested fast. Been there done that it’s not new then they move on. Looking for total completeness when they already had it all. What can they take rather than what can I give.

                    • Emily Olivia
                      Emily Olivia  22 hari yang lalu

                      If we dont have eachother's back who will? So simple and so true yet so many men dont get it.

                      • o0Go_2_Sleep0o •
                        o0Go_2_Sleep0o •  22 hari yang lalu

                        Emily Olivia same for women. when will women get it

                        • Angelie D
                          Angelie D  23 hari yang lalu

                          How do you fight face to face in a Long Distance Relationship?! lol

                          • Packia raj
                            Packia raj  13 hari yang lalu

                            Video calls ?

                            • Lisharyanti K Limaran
                              Lisharyanti K Limaran  24 hari yang lalu

                              “Our major job is to make each other feel safe and secure.” “The decision to be in a committed relationship (loving, secure functioning), means being in the foxhole together, and protecting each other from the dangers out there. It’s not just about getting our own way, we’re suppose to have each other’s back.”

                              • KAIJU MECHA
                                KAIJU MECHA  26 hari yang lalu

                                Amen for the last part, security and safe. That’s what we need..the truth is there is hardly any relationship make me feel that including friendship or partnership..

                                • Anna Laurent
                                  Anna Laurent  Bulan Yang lalu

                                  Omg like clockwork 5:12, both the couples on top and and bottom have each partner look at them at the same time in a lovingly and happy way, while the other one looks on completely unamused and disinterested. Wow you can totally tell which ones are unhappy in the relationship. 😐😐

                                  • Requena
                                    Requena  Bulan Yang lalu

                                    He is so wise.

                                    • StanHere
                                      StanHere  Bulan Yang lalu

                                      Wow, what a level-headed person, very comfortable to listen to him

                                      • Liquid Multiverse
                                        Liquid Multiverse  Bulan Yang lalu


                                        • whatsupbudbud
                                          whatsupbudbud  Bulan Yang lalu

                                          My relationship experience amounts to 10 years, 6 with one girl, 2 with current one and many short ones before those. I've realized the following: romance in modern times is different than it used to be throughout ancient times in the sense that we don't really need it as individuals. Sure, society needs it due to its structure but as individuals we can take care of ourselves just fine. Our (sometimes desperate) need to connect with another human being on a romantic level, in my opinion, is due to our upbringing, environment and pop culture, all of which continously try to implant us with the notion that we have to get hooked, buy a house, make babies and that all of this is called growing up. This makes a lot of people unhappy who would otherwise be up to creating new things that would fill society with joy and economic productivity. Perhaps it's time we stop trying to push everyone into vows that few are ready to take. If we're being honest and take a step back, we will see that statistics of divorce clearly show this to be the case.

                                          • whatsupbudbud
                                            whatsupbudbud  13 hari yang lalu

                                            @Cade Thumann Apart from youtube comments, I haven't really seen anyone trying to convince others to abstain from relationships, tbh. I think those who do that are hypocrites as in reality they want a good relationship so bad but can't get it. Just like smokers who quit and evangelize non-smoking after that even though deep inside they really want to smoke again (been there, so still a smoker, haha).

                                            • Cade Thumann
                                              Cade Thumann  13 hari yang lalu

                                              I agree. People shouldn't be pressured into romance. It should come naturally. On the other hand, I'm not pleased with how there is a growing number of people who are anti-relationship and tell others that it ain't worth it at all. I may not be interested in relationships but instead of telling others to abstain from them completely, we should teach them of the risks and how to approach relationships and how to maintain one. I'd rather we not throw the baby out with the bath water. We should adjust the flame to benefit us, not disregard it completely.

                                              • MC Chick
                                                MC Chick  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                Mostly men leaving comments here.

                                                • tbsdrummer87
                                                  tbsdrummer87  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                  This guy is boring

                                                  • Genius by Design
                                                    Genius by Design  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                    oh ya this alleged SIMP pays for pu$$y. My opinion.

                                                    • Genius by Design
                                                      Genius by Design  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                      relationsh!ts cannot exist today ... pu$$y is out of cuntroll.

                                                      • Angelica Schuyler
                                                        Angelica Schuyler  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                        Me and my mom get into our worst fights in the car...often.

                                                        • Jeremy H
                                                          Jeremy H  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                          Good lord look at the amount of women in these comments 😆

                                                          • Αλεξανδρα Παπουτση

                                                            excellent speech

                                                            • Anna Kaluza
                                                              Anna Kaluza  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                              I Love this talk i can totally relate, its like he's exposing facts i hadnt figured out yet

                                                              • Selma-EthelAmy Ciolan
                                                                Selma-EthelAmy Ciolan  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                                The compassion this man shows and the love given through every word are truly amazing. I cannot thank enough for all these free speeches that hold treasures of wisdom in every sentence.

                                                                • Ines Smith
                                                                  Ines Smith  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                                  Because you’re with a personality disordered monster

                                                                  • Juanis
                                                                    Juanis  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                                    Also remember to be selfless and humble. Of course this doesn’t mean you should allow your partner to hurt or abuse you. It just means there are some sacrifices that will have to be made with love.

                                                                    • Maher Nabil
                                                                      Maher Nabil  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                                      one of the best videos about relationships ever.

                                                                      • Sky Dream
                                                                        Sky Dream  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                                        Put ego aside

                                                                        • lollipop #love
                                                                          lollipop #love  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                                          "The real problem is not when you fight, is when one of you threatens to leave the relationship ".

                                                                          • Northling
                                                                            Northling  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                            9:11 YESSS!!! 😊 👏👏👏 🙌 💚✊

                                                                            • S. O.
                                                                              S. O.  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                              Quite frankley, I agree my Dear...

                                                                              • Ray An
                                                                                Ray An  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                From the thumbnail I thought that was harvey weinstein

                                                                                • Kyrsten Athan
                                                                                  Kyrsten Athan  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                                                  Ray An lol trueee 😂😂

                                                                                  • Ray An
                                                                                    Ray An  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                                                    @laurencefisher1 nothing just that it looked like him...why u gotta be so serious

                                                                                    • laurencefisher1
                                                                                      laurencefisher1  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                                                      what's your point? what a foolish comment.

                                                                                      • Flik
                                                                                        Flik  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                        I understand the problem, but the phrases "protect each other and make each other feel safe and secure" and "if we don't have each other's backs, who will?" sound super obvious and not exactly helpful. If you're running on autopilot, how are you supposed to know when to alter your behaviour?

                                                                                        • Julie
                                                                                          Julie  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                          I ended up crying after listening to his talk, it relates so much to my story. He always threatens to leave and end the relationship, he always asks me to admit that it is my fault everytime we argue. I tried everything, I tried telling him how I feel, what I want and asks the same about his feelings, what does he think about this and that? But all he does...threatens to leave and end the relationship. I know that I should end the relationship but I love him too much, so I end up saying sorry every single time and admit that it’s all my faults and stay with him.

                                                                                          • Gavin Payne
                                                                                            Gavin Payne  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                            Just steer clear of relationships life's much more simple and stress free.

                                                                                            • USERNAMEfieldempty
                                                                                              USERNAMEfieldempty  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                              You can't cover this topic in 20m.

                                                                                              • Caitlan Quinney
                                                                                                Caitlan Quinney  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                Absolutely superb. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

                                                                                                • Isshin, The Sword Saint
                                                                                                  Isshin, The Sword Saint  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                  Lmao blue pill galore. Log term relationships are a thing of the past.

                                                                                                  • Jen Hart
                                                                                                    Jen Hart  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                    If I could like this more than once I would! I think you touch on truth in such a real way! Thank you

                                                                                                    • No Tak.
                                                                                                      No Tak.  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                      i love this guy

                                                                                                      • Zahid H Khan
                                                                                                        Zahid H Khan  2 bulan yang lalu


                                                                                                        • Dian Anggraini
                                                                                                          Dian Anggraini  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                          Cant thank you enough for this session 🙇‍♀️

                                                                                                          • Punam_kd
                                                                                                            Punam_kd  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                            This really deserves way more views

                                                                                                            • Jonathan Hoffman
                                                                                                              Jonathan Hoffman  3 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                              Ambassadors = Neocortex Primitives = Subcortical area of brain Automated tasks = Procedural memory You think you know each other so you stop being present. When we feel good we don't care that much and when we don't feel good we care a whole lot. We are supposed to have each others back. Our nature job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe and secure.

                                                                                                              • Makayla Mayes
                                                                                                                Makayla Mayes  3 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                My partner wants space instead of trying to get through disagreements... idk what to do anymore..

                                                                                                                • Wes Day
                                                                                                                  Wes Day  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                                                                                  Give both. I need space first and then a few hours later talking it through to feel calm again.

                                                                                                                  • Kara Gerlock
                                                                                                                    Kara Gerlock  3 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                    This is such a good listen/ watch.. Breaks it down easy and simplified.. Makes perfect sense, wish I had seen this years ago!!

                                                                                                                    • Julia Ramirez
                                                                                                                      Julia Ramirez  3 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                      aw that was so good and insightful! one of the best ted talks ive seen!

                                                                                                                      • visualelement 7design
                                                                                                                        visualelement 7design  3 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                        Right on point

                                                                                                                        • Gulizara Roth
                                                                                                                          Gulizara Roth  3 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                          Every couple should watch this VDO before getting married.

                                                                                                                          • Carolina Pacheco
                                                                                                                            Carolina Pacheco  3 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                            I love this. Thank you

                                                                                                                            • laura rivero
                                                                                                                              laura rivero  4 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                              i really needed to hear that

                                                                                                                              • Kelvin Isibor
                                                                                                                                Kelvin Isibor  4 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                If you know that you are not ready for a relationship, a marriage, a commitment, why go into one and continue to cheat and lie? I was dying internally for my unfaithful girlfriend, I had no proof, no one to run to. Everyone thought I was paranoid. until I was referred to kellycyberhud @ gmailcom. He understood me well and helped me to hack my girlfriend's mail and WhatsApp to find the truth. I just want to say openly thank you. Contact him today by email at [email protected] He also performs other hacking operations, such as deleting criminal records, upgrading the results. he is that good.

                                                                                                                                • Patricia Bartosik
                                                                                                                                  Patricia Bartosik  4 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                  Face to Face communication wins; everything else loses. I know.

                                                                                                                                  • calli telford
                                                                                                                                    calli telford  4 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                    Stan touches on so many great points, his talk is packed with good info.

                                                                                                                                    • Peter Hart
                                                                                                                                      Peter Hart  5 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                      Brilliant man !!!

                                                                                                                                      • H1GHD3FF
                                                                                                                                        H1GHD3FF  5 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                        I never been so emotionally stable and balance not being in a relationship, yet I feel like I have no soul

                                                                                                                                        • x o
                                                                                                                                          x o  Bulan Yang lalu

                                                                                                                                          are you an aquarius?

                                                                                                                                          • MD kayes rony
                                                                                                                                            MD kayes rony  5 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                            Doing the same work, going back to the same home. Routine bores me. I did some adventures. The effect was terrible. Suicide was my last hope. Then Moses Emmets YT Channel came into my life. What can i call it? My savior? May be!

                                                                                                                                            • Farida Yasmin
                                                                                                                                              Farida Yasmin  5 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                              Very informative video

                                                                                                                                              • MOUHCINE MOUHCINE
                                                                                                                                                MOUHCINE MOUHCINE  5 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                                i needed this thnx, now i can do it right

                                                                                                                                                • Disney Watchers
                                                                                                                                                  Disney Watchers  5 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                                  I appreciate this talk

                                                                                                                                                  • Wendy.j Bailey
                                                                                                                                                    Wendy.j Bailey  5 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                                    Brilliant talk!

                                                                                                                                                    • richslegacy
                                                                                                                                                      richslegacy  5 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                                      Get money, problem solved .

                                                                                                                                                      • saramations
                                                                                                                                                        saramations  5 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                                        Relationships are hard because they were never easy.

                                                                                                                                                        • lady Miamia
                                                                                                                                                          lady Miamia  5 bulan yang lalu


                                                                                                                                                          • Kae Tuk
                                                                                                                                                            Kae Tuk  6 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                                            I can't stand any of these kind of video which trying to explain relationship in a biological way, it's too dry and not practical, I just can't.

                                                                                                                                                            • ya like JAZZ?
                                                                                                                                                              ya like JAZZ?  6 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                                              4:25 damn.

                                                                                                                                                              • lili M
                                                                                                                                                                lili M  6 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                                                well, a relationship can not survive loss of safety if one of the partner threat to leave a relationship? sometimes one says 'im leaving' while the other is the one who actually checked out long time ago by not giving/investing fully. In that case, the partner who is leaving just make it official. In other words, sometimes one of the party, push you to that edge!

                                                                                                                                                                • vvelvettearss
                                                                                                                                                                  vvelvettearss  2 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                                                  Ahhh so interesting to read. Description of my ex! He constantly threatened to leave after every fight and I was already seriously contemplating it , I even kept trying to I just wished he would follow through like it you're gonna say you'll leave then leave ! He would always "come back" tho unfortunately I think he liked playing power games with me :( I will always hate him for that

                                                                                                                                                                  • Melissa Trinh
                                                                                                                                                                    Melissa Trinh  6 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                                                    Excellent video

                                                                                                                                                                    • Jonathan Amen
                                                                                                                                                                      Jonathan Amen  7 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                                                      These talks always feel way too short.

                                                                                                                                                                      • Diana Tavares
                                                                                                                                                                        Diana Tavares  7 bulan yang lalu


                                                                                                                                                                        • Bats Beware
                                                                                                                                                                          Bats Beware  7 bulan yang lalu

                                                                                                                                                                          im only 15 and ive been with multiple girls that i loved , but its like when we finally get together or become “official” i lose all the feelings i had. every relationship ive had has only lasted for so long.